Sometimes I get overwhelmed at life. Being bipolar is tough you know, especially when you’ve been out of the work force. Goal setting is one of the major tools my therapist has used with me over the years and I have never really followed through. To make actual changes in my life requires me to take an active step in making a change. It has really been difficult doing that. I think it is more than just being lazy too, I think it has to do with my mental state, and of course my sleep patterns.
Lack of sleep makes me irrational. I am irritable and borderline manic, diving into hypomania. But as the past two days have shown me that getting a good amount of sleep has helped me think a bit more clearly. I am thinking about the future now and what I need to do. The first major step is finding a decent job. I have been trying for the longest to make that happen but I just can’t make anything really stick. The problem is, I don’t want to give up my disability. I mean for me, I go off the rails so easily and if I were to jump in with a full-time job, I could lose it all at the drop of a hat. Those are dice I just don’t want to play with.
So where do I begin? How do I make an active change? Well, for one thing, the sleeping is on its way to being fixed. My guy is going to help facilitate that by sending me to bed at a decent hour in which I carved out for myself, so I can look forward to an afternoon job. Now it’s just a matter of finding a job within the constraints of my disability. That has been the toughest part. To find a job with just 20 hours. It doesn’t sound difficult, but it has been proving to be a challenge. I no longer have to worry about being alone and the relationship part of my life is pretty much set, so now it’s just trying to figure out what the next step is to my future. I have some hard decisions to make within the next few months on how I will spend my time and what I want to dedicate my time to. But I think I am on the right path. Who knows what the future will hold? I always thought not knowing was the better plan, but now I am not so sure. My therapist is booked up. I shouldn’t have cancelled my appointment, I could have used his advice on this one. But I will see him in two weeks with something to report hopefully as I will try to do this positive change without his help. He has given me the tools I need over the years anyway, so I am just going to draw some knowledge from previous sessions. I am excited for once. For the future. Who knew I would be here after all the craziness that has gone down over the past few years?