Do you find yourself NEEDING? Like desperately searching for the next relationship, the next text from a guy/girl, the next message on OKCupid, the next LOVE? I spent 15 years just stuck in this constant NEED. I thought if a man loved me, like truly loved me I would be complete.
Man, I see it everywhere. “Don’t settle” “Love yourself before you get in a relationship” “You can’t give love to someone unless you give it yourself first” You know we see these things, and we’re like “yeah, yeah, yeah” In one ear and out the other as we frantically check our inbox for a message from our next suitor. Really? Is this what we are doing these days? Swipe left, swipe right, text text text, swipe left, swipe right, text text text. All for the sake of finding “The One”
I was dead on the floor of my apartment ten years ago, because of “the One”. I put myself there again (mentally reliving it), last night as I wrote about shackles in a previous post here: https://shatteredwish.wordpress.com/2015/11/11/shackles-stronger-than-jacob-marleys/
But I digress from that. Those shackles are where I put myself. I have spent so long in search of “true love” and now that I have it I am throwing it away with both hands. Completely. I have the type of personality that craves more ALL the damn time. I constantly crave conversation. I love the time I spend with my ex, he is my best friend, but we are just good friends, there is no romance no sex no intimacy. So I went in search of that. And I found it with someone else. And you know what? I hate his guts. Spending time with him feels like an obligation even though he completely loves me.
What is my defect? I think I have come to the realization is the only LOVE I have been truly searching for is the LOVE for myself. To look at myself in the mirror and say, “wow, you’re beautiful” I love feeling sexy, feeling desired, needed. Its an amazing feeling. But is that LOVE? Do I NEED someone else to give that to me? I haven’t been online dating in quite some time. Nor do I want to go back to it. I don’t even miss dating. I have been a miserable woman searching for someone to love her because she can’t love herself. I have been a woman desperately needing a man to reassure her that she was worth something because she feels worthless without that reassurance.
What is that? Is that living? Its a friggin joke is what it is. Have I spent the last 15 years doing this? UGH. What a realization to come to. Time to say goodbye to the man that loves me after waiting so long for him to come into my life. I am in this relationship for all the wrong reasons and its time I become a grown up and realize that. And its also time I have the “adult” conversation everyone hates. You know the ones that EVERYONE avoids. The one that leaves the other person hanging while they pull the disappearing act because they don’t have the balls to tell you that you aren’t right for them. I am going to have that conversation. I owe him that much for putting himself out there and loving me.
So lesson learned. As I embark on the next chapter of my journey, I will be sure to remember that NO MAN can fill the missing pieces of my being and my soul. I need to love myself first. It was a hard lesson to learn and I hate that I have to hurt someone I truly loved to do that. A man that put his heart out there and gave me his love. What a shame. So when he calls I will pick up the phone and have THIS conversation:
“I am so sorry my love. I wish you happiness. I am sorry I was too selfish and blind to tell you that I loved you for all the wrong reasons. I loved you because I needed you to love me not because I wanted you to be my partner but be my savior. I wanted to be saved. And you know what you did. You saved my heart. Opened it to feel love again. To feel the warmth sweet sensation of saying “I love you, I want to spend the rest of my dying days with you” But alas, my darling. You aren’t The One who has to save ALL of me. I am the one that has to do that. And as I leave you now, know that if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have known what being in love meant. Thank you. Thank you for being a real man, and not being a jerk. Thank you for being real and not playing games. Thank you for your honesty. And I wish you all the best.”