What happens when you come to the End. Of the road, the journey. You worked so hard all your life for this “destination” then when you get there it is empty. Not what you thought. So keep going. Let’s not stop.
I held my hand out to a branch. It represents Love. It dangled over head as the wind pushed it around, I reached but I couldn’t grab it. It floated. Just out of reach. Like it has always been. I am looking to fill that empty space. He’s here. I see him. The mighty stallion and his lovely mare. Watched and waited. Enjoyed bliss. The words don’t come easy now. A jumble of thoughts and emotions.
Grandma died two years ago. She stopped my mother from putting me away for life. To seal my sentence in a mental ward, because there could be nothing done with me anymore. She saved me. And I couldn’t even go to her funeral, or even say goodbye. During her last days, she did not recognize anyone. She just smiled and held her children’s hands as they said goodbye. I walked in. The light sparkled from her eye. She recognized me. The one she saved, the granddaughter that never visited her, that ignored her calls for years, the one that pretended she wasn’t there. Today I miss her. I want to call her and tell her I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a rotten granddaughter, for being selfish, for being a total brat.
Life Legacies. Her last card to me. Hangs on my wall. The last card she was ever able to mail.
Live Deep – Never stop learning, playing or finding wonder in the world around you. Live for the length of your life, but live the depth of it as well.
Travel Light – There is no use in carrying around worry and regret. They only weigh you down. Always keep yourself open to hope and to love. They give us wings.
Forgive Imperfections – in yourself and others. Imperfections keep things interesting. They are the cracks where the light shines through.
Own beautiful things – And not just to keep in the drawer, tucked away for the perfect day. Surround yourself with things that make you happy, that remind you of the beauty all around us if we only keep our eyes open to it.
Make mistakes – Follow detours. Sometimes it takes an unexpected turn to help us fine the life that is waiting for us around the bend. Trust yourself and the path that is meant for you.
Take care of yourself please my love – And that sometimes means you need ice cream. Be good to your body, but also your mind and spirit. You’re the only one who can.
And Always, Always know that your are loved. You are a gift to this world and a blessing to me, and that will never change. Wishing you nothing but the best on your birthday, my prayers will always be with you in this life and the next. I love you with all my heart, I love you my granddaughter, I love you so very much, forever and always.
To you grandma. Let your words of wisdom hang on my wall till my last dying breath. Your wisdom is with me always. I am sorry. Sorry for not being there, for not being better, for not understanding what it meant to lose someone and to know how over time words can haunt and echo in your soul even after years.
It is not the end. It is just the beginning, and I will take your words with me. Love will come, but from me. Love for myself, from her memory, from my being. 26 days sober. I made it.