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Love with a Dark Heart in Chains

~ To be in a world where life throws you lemons and you make a vodka martini.

Love with a Dark Heart in Chains

Tag Archives: depressed

Bipolar Crushing my Existence

28 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by shatteredwishes in Bipolar, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bipolar, death, depressed, depression, disability, faith, God, relationships, spiritual, suicide, work

Crying-Angel-angels-20162613-500-375

Alone. Again. Sigh. I am so needy and desperate. I have people in my life yes, but I am out of control with the loneliness. I cannot get it satisfied, no matter what I do. These mood swings are undeniable. I feel like I am on a mountain of pain. I feel so utterly alone. I hate being alone. I don’t even want to go into a chat or forum. I don’t want to play a game. I need a job, I want a job. I need to do something with my days.

Alone. It is overwhelming. I don’t want to talk to anyone. No one can help me. I wish I can be alone by myself and be happy. I wish I could find joy in things to occupy my time. This is so stifling. I want to work so badly. I want to find a reason to get up out of bed in the morning. The disability review is coming. They won’t get off their fuckin’ ass and give me an answer already. I just want a part-time job while I wait for the right civil service test to open up. In the meantime, I am alone.

I am so alone, I can’t say it enough. This bipolar bullshit. I hate it. I hate absolutely everything about it. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Just die and be nothing to no one. I am at the brink of utter insanity. I am sinking deep back into depression. I hate being alone. I wish I had a purpose. I wish I had a goal in life. This can’t be living. I am better off dead. Why is this happening to me? Why is everyone leaving me? Just leave me alone. You don’t want to be bothered. It’s fine. I am a burden to you all. I am sick of it.  I just want to be seen, I want to be heard. I am tired of being trapped in nothingness. I hate everyone and everything. I am sinking. Sinking to the bottom of the pit of Hell.

I can’t even pray. Can’t even pray for comfort in God, who I found great comfort in at one point. I have no faith, I have no soul. I am at the bottomless mercy in the depths of annihilation. Why won’t I die? Why doesn’t God just take my life? Why do I have to keep going on and on with this pointlessness? I am sick to my stomach. I can’t bear it any longer. I am going to take my own life. It’s the only way. I want it to end. Why won’t it end? You call this a gift? Life is a gift? Is it really? When you are in utter pain and no one hears you, and no one helps you, and no one gives a shit.

No point. No reason to live.

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Why are We Here? What are We Doing?

02 Friday Sep 2016

Posted by shatteredwishes in Bipolar

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bipolar, boyfriend, dating, depressed, depression, God, mental health, mental illness, online dating, relationships, spiritual, spirituality

Another sleepless night. Sigh. I have just thrown my hands up at the whole concept. I sleep when I sleep. I have noticed that obsessive thoughts run through my brain, as part of this incorrigible illness, and I am learning to just submit to it. I give up. Completely. Wholly. I often wonder why I try so hard. Why I go that extra mile. A fool’s dream.

I sit here and contemplate my existence on another lonely Thursday night at 1:34 am. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The pieces of my life come together, fall apart, and come together again. I am so grateful, unbelievable grateful for the people that have come into my life. Even the possibility of romance too perhaps? Is that where I go wrong? Do I rush in too quickly before readjusting my expectations? That’s something to consider while I sit here and contemplate.

Often than not, people are seeking things. They are seeking love, jobs, friendships or just a need for connection. But what happens when we stop seeking? Do we lose our humanity? My best friend is going out of town for the Labor Day weekend, which leaves me alone for 4 days. I have forgotten what it is really like to be alone. And I think I really need to sit with myself and reassess that. There was a point a few months ago, when I wasn’t writing as much, where I would sit and stare at the 4 walls and just think. Just think of my whole place in the universe. What the heck am I doing here? Honestly, what is the point of all this? Do you ever stop and think, “why in the hell do I even get up in the morning”? I haven’t ridden the wave of bipolar depression in quite some time, so I might end up back there again. I feel myself slowly slipping back. The sleeping thing well, I just give up. I won’t even bother trying to deal with that anymore, because I tried again tonight and failed miserably.

My life, as small as it is, is empty. Devoid of the life and wonder it once had. I sit here, nights, days at my computer. When I do go outside, I just rush back home to my little hole in the universe. I desire something, anything, that could bring the spark and sparkle back into my eyes.  I had inspiration lately, which I am glad for. I am enjoying getting to know Mr. M. I have so many riches yet I feel so poor. Am I greedy? A masochist glutton for punishment?  Why do I do this? Obsess? Question? Ponder?

I need to fill the void. I need the magic. And I don’t think any “one” person can give me that. I need to give it to myself. I need to be kinder to myself, to see the beauty within as well as out. I need to sit with myself and reflect what my purpose is, and how I can gain satisfaction in my life. Too long have I sat in the shadows and let an illness that helped obliterate my self-esteem stop me from becoming a better ME.  Too long as I have watched the calendar pass by month after month, year after year, without any sign of a change or meaning to my existence. I search for hours on end for a spark of a connection when I am already connected? What the %$^&?

The newness of a new person. Its what we all want, its what we all crave. Then that initial spark dies and you are just left with a person. Is that what went wrong with online dating? Is that newness the addiction? Mr. M told me that his last date said he wasn’t as “cool” as she thought he would be. When in fact he is so cool, the Fresh Prince has nothing on him. Is that why people fail? Because they are looking for the coolest of the cool? Is that why I can’t connect, because I am just as uncool too?

I sit here, and wait. Wait to be challenged, excited. When I am the lazy one. I have to go out there and challenge myself. I am such a hypocrite, even when I am writing and talking to myself. I want to illicit and invoke change but I don’t do a damn thing about it. I am probably the biggest procrastinator I know. God, I need to find a job. I need to be doing something, contributing something to society again, working with people and getting myself out there. Reading and playing flute in the park used to bring me such joy, now I can’t even do that. I have no joy anymore. Where did it all go? I think I have blamed bipolar too long too. I have defined myself by the illness. I am not bipolar I HAVE an illness that is defined as bipolar. And you know what? With all the pills, doctors and all the shit they have been feeding me has it helped me any? Where has it gotten me?  Alone, miserable and probably more lost than I have ever been. I see truth but no logic, like this is one big dream and I will wake up and laugh at the sheer madness of it all.

But I think ultimately, I need to make peace with myself. I am intelligent, beautiful, with so much to offer the world. I am not living up to my full potential. I am trapped in a Hell of my own making. Its time to break free. I just need to get up and just walk out that door….

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.” – Bilbo Baggins.

 

 

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Stuck in Bipolar

29 Friday May 2015

Posted by shatteredwishes in Bipolar

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bipolar, depressed, depression, manic, mental health, mental illness

Woman with severe Migraine Headache holding hands to headOkay.  I am stuck.  Stuck in a routine. Stuck in a continuous loop. Stuck in a rut.  You know life is not supposed to be lived this way. When did we lose ourselves?  Is everyone bipolar like this? Why the heck am I not manic?  Oh how I want to be manic.  I want to be manic so bad.  The adrenaline, the rush, the fun, the confidence. Why give us pills to numb that?  Why is there bipolar?  Why can’t there be only one “pole” and we are stuck on manic forever?

I hate being in a depressive state.  I have so many ideas of where I want to be, but I lack the energy and courage to do it. Stuck in bipolar is an understatement.  I want to be creative, I want to be seen.  I would like the courage for it to make sense.  But it doesn’t make sense.

I am just stuck in Bipolar.

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Get Your Butt in Gear!

23 Saturday May 2015

Posted by shatteredwishes in Bipolar

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

bipolar, dating, depressed, funny, lazy, life, love

Oh, bipolar living.  Can anyone say lazy?  Fat lump of mess sprawled out in bed for hours on end.  I am not getting a date this way.  Who says I want a date anyway?  Have you seen what’s out there?  Yeah people like me!  Anyway, I have a hunky stud in the UK for my needs.  What?  She’s in an online relationship?  Of course.  She’s fat, ugly, broke and bipolar.  Locals want a person who is together, lives on their own with a career. Ladies and gentleman, drumroll!! The total opposite of me!

Age old question, how many bipolar females in the nuthouse?  My house there is one. So one.  I am losing it.  Yup definitely lost it.  I needed to lighten things up a bit. Bipolar dating hasn’t been the best over the years.  Can guys run fast enough when you say you’re bipolar?  Not only can they run fast, they run faster than fast.  Some even hold their crotch and cry.  Its pretty amazing.

Anyhoo, when you’re depressed all day, you feel fat and hopeless, it takes a lot to get outta bed.  So get your butt in gear I say!  Get out of that bed and DO something!  Go for a walk, go see a friend, GO GO GO!  Ok, while you do that, I am gonna lay here and read some more blogs.  Let me know how it goes! Neener, neener.

Stay tuned.

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About shatteredwishes

I am in my mid thirties living in New York City. In my world chaos engulfs my mind and soul, so come along on this journey with me through my fears, tears, and adventures.

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