I am drowning. In terrible despair. I think it’s because I have had so much to deal with the past few days. Overwhelming guilt washing over me, as I feel responsible for someone else’s downfall. I am no saint, but I don’t think I should have this unnecessary burden on my shoulders. Like someone telling me they are going to kill themselves. Like wtf?? Seriously? I have to deal with that on top of being this bipolar mess that I am?
There are certain crosses in life you have to bear. Certain things you have to live with. I will not be responsible for another’s actions or be guilted into feeling bad over it. I have had enough. I just can’t deal with it anymore. In life we are given a gift. Through all the pain and suffering, there is some light in the world. It is not my fault if some can’t see that. I was doing okay when we broke up. I was off living my life, till the fucking phone calls and messages started. I feel horrible. And I think that’s what he wants. How messed up is that? I have been trying to close the book on this terrible thing and it just won’t goddamn close. I just want to move on, live my life. Why can’t people just do it? I have had people cut me out of their lives before, I even had a guy I was desperately in love with two years ago. When he blocked me, did I call his number with a sob story? No, because I know he didn’t want to hear from me. Sometimes people just want to be left alone. So just do it. Get on with your life. I feel like a cold-hearted bitch right now, but I can’t help it because I feel horrible. He screamed at me. I don’t take that bullshit from no one, so why the drama? Just move the fuck on already.
I am venting, I know. But I don’t know what else to do. The bipolar is in high gear right now as I try to process this whole thing. I want a drink so freakin’ much right now. I am frustrated. Frustrated with life in general at the moment. I have had so much to deal with, with my disability on review, looking for a job and having the most horrid sleep patterns ever. I am exhausted. This feels like too much. I am on the brink of utter madness, I can feel it coming. I have no emotions left, all that is left is utter anger and frustration. I wish I can crawl in a hole and not come out. Where no one can find me. EVER. I have had the same cell number for 20 years and I had to change it. I am so sick of this. I feel so guilty and hurt and I just want to be left alone. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I wish things weren’t this way, but they are.My heart aches, only because I am being dragged through the gutter. I just want it to stop. Just STOP.
Anyway, I still haven’t had a drink, and I am really surprised I haven’t drank myself into oblivion as yet.