Ever watch a flame? Just look at it as it flickers, and you wonder how you never notice the little things in your life. Or the little people who make such a BIG difference. I have such great people in my life. But there is one in particular I want to give special thanks to. That’s D. This person, D, has been a godsend to me. We met on Eharmony in 2010 and had a relationship in which I was sexually anorexic. Basically that means I loved him dearly, but I couldn’t sleep with him. Odd how life works.
Anyway back to the flame. I have been up and down the past few days, with sleep being a major influence. Mr. “M” showed up for a quick visit in my email as I haven’t heard from him in ages. He finally got himself a job, so I am quite happy about that. My bipolar flame has been hovering on the mellow side of things. There hasn’t been any rapid movements or great hurdles to overcome. It did shine bright last night though as I thought of D. It’s been 7 years since I met him, and our friendship and bond is stronger than ever. You know I run around with all these men online, I try to make a relationship out of nothing, (possibly make a relationship out of online sex but who I am kidding), and it always goes nowhere. But D, oh D is always there, through every last bit of it.
I am one month sober already, and it has been a long road. I had to say goodbye to a spiritual friend that was impacting my sobriety, but I am thankful that he came into my life too and learned the great lessons he taught me along the way. But, alas, he is too toxic now for me, as he is taking in ridiculous amounts of alcohol to the point to where he is incoherent. No bueno.
But I had a great epiphany last night. I realized how damn lucky I am to have D. It may not be the ideal relationship, but hell, it’s someone to grow old with. I am so thankful, and my bipolar flame shines brightly for all my wonderful friends, (even though my overall flame is quite dim because I am dreadfully tired). I never thought this Bipolar Girl would ever be so enriched with such fantastic people. I am thankful. Thankful for everyone I have met in my life, come into my life, and who I am going to meet in the future. Everyone in my life brings a unique gift to me that I will always treasure.
But I am most thankful for my soulmate. To me the definition of soulmate is quite different than what some others are. My definition is simply this:
The epitome of love and partnership. In our fast-paced chaotic world, which boasts all sorts of different people, we find ourselves skimming through more relationships than we’d like in order to find that one person who can truly open our locks.
Not just anyone can fulfill you the way your soulmate can. There’s a world of a difference between your soulmate, your heart’s other half and a life partner — a person who lacks the elements to mold perfectly to you. Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle.
It’s something inside. Describing how a soulmate makes you feel is difficult. It’s a tenacious, profound and lingering emotion which no words can encompass. You just get each other. You fall in love with his (or her) flaws. No relationship is perfect, and even soulmate relationships will experience ups and downs. Still, that bond will be much harder to break. Soulmates have an easier time of accepting, even learning to love, each other’s imperfections. You’re mentally inseparable. Soulmates often have a mental connection similar to twins. They might pick up the phone to call each other at the exact same time. Though life may keep you apart at times, your minds will always be in tune if you are soulmates. You feel secure and protected. Your soulmate will make you feel like you have a guardian angel by your side. A person who plays on your insecurities, whether consciously or subconsciously, is not your soulmate. You can’t imagine your life without him (or her). A soulmate is not someone you can walk away from that easily. It is someone you can’t imagine being without, a person you believe is worth sticking with and fighting for.
For my soulmate, my bipolar flame shines the brightest, because he saw the ugly, uncomfortable, depressive, manic mess that I am and loves me nonetheless.
I hope your flame of thankfulness shines just as bright.