Alone with My Faith and my Bipolar

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im not okay

Alone. How desperately we try to reach out. I have never felt more alone in my life. As I sit here and type I realize I have no friends and no one in my life. I chose it this way I suppose, because there have been people who have tried to reach out to me. Last night I was supposed to go out with my friend, and she straight up ditched me. I mean like WTF? No call, ignored my calls, and sent a text later that night saying “sorry I was feeling shitty tonight.” I am so sick of this shit in my life.

I want to connect so badly. I want to feel God pulsating through me. I want to feel manic so I don’t feel so alone. At least with the thoughts in my head at least I can have some company. I have never felt more alone. I thought about the Irish Gentleman last night. I had just finished watching “The Book of Eli,” (great film if you haven’t seen it with Denzel Washington), and it had me thinking about faith. I read a short story called “The Egg” by Andy Weir that basically stated how we are all connected and we are all one. I hurt the Irish Gentleman deeply and I might as well have hurt myself. I feel unbelievable guilt over that situation and I know I shouldn’t have left things the way they were. I hope he gets the help he needs, I truly do. I cut out the Southern Gentleman too because I just can’t be bothered. I got sexual with him too soon, and it seems that’s all where his head is at. I don’t want to “put on a show” for anyone anymore.

I just wish there was someone out there for me. I went back on OKCupid, talked to one guy and ended up blocking him. I don’t know, I don’t think I am cut out for online dating either. Fuck, how I hate this bipolar shit. I wish I never had it. I wish I had a career I loved and a man who loved me in my life. I am tired of being this way, feeling and living in utter shit. All I have is my faith I suppose. But even that is waning. I kneeled down to pray last night and immediately felt like throwing up. Maybe its all the sins that I am paying for regurgitating back up through me, trying to teach me a lesson. Follow the signs. I wish God would show me the way. I wish He would speak to me again. I wish I could hear Him in my head. I am so lost and alone.

I have never felt more alone in my life. I wish there was a man out there I could talk to and get to know. I wish I could have an articulate intellectual conversation that would make me feel satisfied and sustained. All I get are perverts are men who are “bored.” God do something with your life would you? Bring something to the table of conversation other than you’re “bored,” as if it is my fuckin’ job to entertain you. I am sick and tired of this bullshit generation of automatons and droids running around in their Facebook/Twitter/Tinder universe. God, I just want to die. Just die and leave it all behind.

When will it ever get better?

Stay tuned.

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It’s a Question of When to Feel Sexy…

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So I just had an interesting hot chat with Azure this afternoon. No masturbating was involved, just a lot of heavy flirting and heated up moments about some of the videos I sent him. They were old, probably about ten years ago when I was doing a bit of experimenting with my cam. They were long-buried, but for some reason I felt the need to share those sexy videos with him, and he has masturbated to them plenty over the past few days.

Sexuality, especially mine is a tough thing. There is a good time and a bad time for it. As I was mulling over my looming, upcoming evaluation yesterday, the Southern Gentleman informed me he was going to have some “fun” before bed. Totally wrong time, and totally not interested. I am beginning to wonder if all he wants is sex, and I am thinking I may have to disappear and back off again. I am considering it, since my sex drive is not focused on him at the moment.He also keeps baiting me with action messages, (*kisses you softly* or *holds you close*) when addressing me, which I am uncomfortable with. I don’t know, I am getting a bit turned off, so we will see.

There has been another gentleman hanging around in the background the pass few weeks. We will call him Valiant. Now, I met Valiant several months ago on a chat site, and we exchanged Skype information but never really stayed in contact. Apparently, he was going through a lot of deaths in the family and wasn’t really interested in anything around that time. Of course I took it as typical “male online behavior” and just deleted him without thinking about it, because ya know why talk to someone who doesn’t really want to talk to you right? Apparently, Valiant has had terrible luck with women online. According to him, I am probably the nicest one he ever met that wanted to get to know him. The rest kind of just use him for his writing ability to get their rocks off with roleplaying, which honestly I am thinking of attempting with the Literary, but that’s a subject for another time. Anyway, this revelation happened just as I was getting sleepy (the mania in the bipolar has finally taken a backseat at night), and I felt my heart warm inside. It’s so nice to meet someone who appreciates you for you, and not what you can give them. (Imagine my distaste at the Southern Gentleman’s come ons after having my heart warmed).

There is a good time and a bad time for things folks. When someone is upset over something, don’t talk about your dick in any form or fashion, or even refer to it There is an appropriate time to feel sexy and when the timing is off, it can make someone really uncomfortable.  I don’t know if I will go back and see the Southern Gentleman now, and I feel guilty because we had just made so much progress. But if it’s not there, it’s not there, and I think it’s best if I just step back for a while.

Anyway, I am glad I found out these things about Valiant, and how much he appreciates me. I had made some audio recordings for him of me masturbating and moaning, because I know how much he enjoys kinky dirty talk. I was in a giving mood for a few nights, so I had fun with it. Sometimes, it’s nice to know that your voice really turns people on rather than the showing off of body parts. Almost like when you overhear a couple having sex and how hot it is. But yeah, knowing your value can actually put all the sex stuff on the back burner.

I have to admit, my need to visit the chats to find someone has diminished as of late, as I am coming into my own and learning to appreciate the people I have at the moment. I will admit, my new writing adventure with the Literary may start soon and I am excited, although our time differences are proving to be big obstacle. But, I am hanging on to hope that we will figure something out soon.

I haven’t masturbated in a few days, and I think it’s due to all the stress of this upcoming evaluation. I am also a bit jaded on the job front, as the jobs that I applied to didn’t respond at all. I really don’t know what I am going to do. One definitely doesn’t feel sexy when real life gets in the way, but thanks to Azure, this afternoon has been looking up. Hopefully I will enjoy some time with Valiant tonight, or even the young soldier I met by accident in a General Chat where I wasn’t even looking for anything. The skies the limit when it comes the amount of men women can have at their fingertips when looking for some action. If men only knew that if they thought with the head on their shoulders rather than sticking their cock on a cam; they can get so much farther with a lady. But you know, sometimes all someone needs is a good cum and nothing else. I suppose for those cases gents, you’re better off finding a cam girl. Yeah I know, you don’t wanna pay, but if you don’t put in the effort you’re still not going to get what you want. It’s all about timing I suppose. Women get horny too, just gotta find them at the right time I guess.

And the beat goes on, (as well the flick of my clit),

Stay tuned.

The Unexpected Future

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When we walk into the unknown, what comes out on the other end?  I am walking into the unknown as we speak because my disability review hangs in the balance. They want a ourside doctor to look me over, and I gotta say, I am freaking out. I finally managed to get some sleep and kind of put myself in a normal sleep pattern for the first time in ages.  Also I got some kick ass bed sheets from Wal-Mart that look fantastic on my bed.

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Pretty nice right? I think it looks awesome. Purple is my all time favorite color, although it looks quite pink from the picture. But anyway, things have been looking up, because even as this disability review looms overhead, I have been thinking about working full-time but as a civil service worker. You know, get a nice cushy job with great benefits that you can’t really be discriminated for if you have a disability. Just when things start looking up, I am hit with a cannonball. Shit just doesn’t go right in my life it seems. Just when I start getting my head together I get this bombshell dropped on me of a ourside opinion for this review. I never felt more uneasy. Being in a mountian of debt because I can’t control my spending will break me if they take it away. But you know, if I am dead what can the creditors do?

I haven’t contemplated suicide in quite some time, but stress like this really puts me over the edge. How could I ever get to a job on time if I am up all night like a maniac? How can I ever be able to function in society when I am a wreck most of the time? So many questions. My mania and depression are so up and down these days. I broke my sobriety streak and I am feeling guilty about it. But you know what today is *Day Two* for a whole new stab at sobriety. Hopefully I will make this one stick. I even marked it on the calendar. I am determined not to let this review and all this other shit shake me to the point where I go off and drown in a bottle again. I remember being there and all it does it make things go from bad to worse at lightening speed.

In other news, I managed to rid myself of the Irish Gentleman, and i think I am thankful for it. He needs help and I hope he gets it. He was way too volatile for me and was basically emotionally blackmailing me with all his sad messages. I really took a stab in the heart over that. On a good note, I reconnected with the Southern Gentleman and things seem to be well on that front. He has matured a lot over the past 5 months since our breakup and seems to have really improved upon himself. I think having him in my life will do me a lot of good. I need a bit of stability in my online life. Azure and I got hot and heavy yesterday morning when I was trying to get myself some sleep. And the Literary beeped in as I was trying to get rest as well. I need to cut these guys out. I need to sleep at night, and the UK and New Zealand don’t really coincide well with my new rehabilitated sleeping schedule. But I won’t discount them yet because in my life things can go either way.

Every day is a mystery, a new adventure. If I lose my disability I can always repeal it. I am not ready yet to try to get a full-time job, I barely got my sleeping schedule fixed. I am on day two for fuck’s sake. Give me a break! I just hope my new founded ambition to get my life in order doesn’t equal “oh you’re healthy, you can work, so we’re just going to throw you back out there.” That will suck for sure. I really hope it doesn’t come to that.

Anyway, cheers to a new life goal and finally making some headway in the right direction. That is if this bipolar doesn’t kill me first. We’ll see what happens.

Stay tuned.

On the Brink

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I am drowning. In terrible despair. I think it’s because I have had so much to deal with the past few days. Overwhelming guilt washing over me, as I feel responsible for someone else’s downfall. I am no saint, but I don’t think I should have this unnecessary burden on my shoulders. Like someone telling me they are going to kill themselves. Like wtf?? Seriously? I have to deal with that on top of being this bipolar mess that I am?

There are certain crosses in life you have to bear. Certain things you have to live with. I will not be responsible for another’s actions or be guilted into feeling bad over it. I have had enough. I just can’t deal with it anymore. In life we are given a gift. Through all the pain and suffering, there is some light in the world. It is not my fault if some can’t see that. I was doing okay when we broke up. I was off living my life, till the fucking phone calls and messages started. I feel horrible. And I think that’s what he wants. How messed up is that? I have been trying to close the book on this terrible thing and it just won’t goddamn close. I just want to move on, live my life. Why can’t people just do it? I have had people cut me out of their lives before, I even had a guy I was desperately in love with two years ago. When he blocked me, did I call his number with a sob story? No, because I know he didn’t want to hear from me. Sometimes people just want to be left alone. So just do it. Get on with your life. I feel like a cold-hearted bitch right now, but I can’t help it because I feel horrible. He screamed at me. I don’t take that bullshit from no one, so why the drama? Just move the fuck on already.

I am venting, I know. But I don’t know what else to do. The bipolar is in high gear right now as I try to process this whole thing. I want a drink so freakin’ much right now. I am frustrated. Frustrated with life in general at the moment. I have had so much to deal with, with my disability on review, looking for a job and having the most horrid sleep patterns ever. I am exhausted. This feels like too much. I am on the brink of utter madness, I can feel it coming. I have no emotions left, all that is left is utter anger and frustration. I wish I can crawl in a hole and not come out. Where no one can find me. EVER. I have had the same cell number for 20 years and I had to change it. I am so sick of this. I feel so guilty and hurt and I just want to be left alone. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I wish things weren’t this way, but they are.My heart aches, only because I am being dragged through the gutter. I just want it to stop. Just STOP.

Anyway, I still haven’t had a drink, and I am really surprised I haven’t drank myself into oblivion as yet.

Stay tuned.

The Young Dominant and the Older Woman

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He flicks his tongue against my lips as he grips my chin. A young man, not my type at all. Who can break me? I ran into another one of his kind earlier. “Kneel” he said. What a joke that was. I will never yield for a man no matter what he asks me to do. .But oh the Literary. This flirtatious period has upped into high gear. I have known him close to a year, and no matter how much I block him and push him away, he always finds me. I don’t think I have ever had a man pursue me quite like him before. A rare breed to say the least.

Our connections are rare. He is in New Zealand, I am in New York. Can you say Long Distance any louder? I mean the time tables alone are a total mind fuck. But once I get a handle on the situation it should be fine. I ran into a man the other day who was born on February 1st the same day as my ex. What are the odds right? Well he basically violated me and put me on this path of utter self-destruction. Part of the mania I deal with is hypersexuality which many people don’t discuss, but I have discussed in detail with my dear bipolar friend. But I will keep that in mind when I visit the many chatrooms I do go into and decide to involve myself in, because you know, predators are just about everywhere.

Back to my young Literary. Never has a man excited me so much. Well a young man of 22 years anyway. It is quite amazing what the use of words can do to a person, and when one is skilled and knows what they are doing, it can be an intense conundrum. I think I have gradually come into my own though. It’s time to leave behind the past and embrace the future. No one knows what the future will hold but this young man has somehow clawed his way back into my life and given it a whole new kinky outlook. I want to create stories again will a skilled writer. And I think The Literary is the man for the job. I missed out on my orgasm with him tonight, but that is alright because there are many more to come. Look ahead there chica, the future is on the horizon, you just have to grab it.

Who knows maybe one day I will get some sleep as well.

Long live insomniacs,

Stay tuned.

Mania and Alcohol Sobriety Hell!

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Mania Hell. Oh my gosh. What the hell? This absolute nonsense of wanting a goddamn drink so friggin’ bad, just screws with your head entirely. Live one day with bipolar and I swear you will need a fuckin’ drink. I am on 30 hours no sleep now, and nothing is stopping me from taking that 4 months of abstaining from alcohol and pissing it all away. I have worked so hard for this moment you know? I have gone to hell and back with the demons in my head. Meds don’t help for shit. It’s my willpower that has gotten me this far.

I am screaming at the top of my lungs going F*CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK! Like wtf for real. What is going on in my head? Absolute friggin’ madness. I am fighting it. Every day is such a battle. A battle with the drink. Look I have a good life right? I have no money in the stupid bank, but I have enough for a few bottles right? Just go get drunk. Just go do it. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. Nothing is stopping me. Nothing no one.

But I won’t. I have my friend with me tonight. The dearest friend to me in the whole world who won’t let that happen. And later I will be talking to my other friend who will help me through the bipolar haze till I finally fall off to sleep. It’s amazing what friends can do for you in your life when you have them. Who needs AA? I failed at it so many times over, and I am doing this all by myself. I know I have my spirituality with me, and my “higher power” has always been my voice. AA works for some people, but I never functioned properly in the “group environment.” I mean when I was in the Day Program I would buy a bottle and go home every night. Sometimes even drink at the center. So what does that tell you. EPIC F*CKIN’ FAIL.

But now you know what alcohol won’t win the war. It won’t beat me. I will conquer it. I will beat this I know I will. I am the strongest I have ever been in my life, and even though the mania hits me the way it does, and I always end up back in the psych ward after ever attempt at sobriety, I will balance it. I will not let this shit be my master. I will make it my bitch. Hold on, the ride gets bumpy from here.

Stay tuned.

You’re As Smooth as Tennessee Whiskey

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“You’re as smooth as Tennessee whiskey. You’re as sweet as strawberry wine .You’re as warm as a glass of brandy. And honey, I stay stoned on your love all the time.”

What a beautiful song. It made me think of my most recent love. Oh, the chills it gives me. I was in the shower, soaping my naked body, remembering, oh, how he loved me. I remember our nights together, the crack in his voice and the tears in my eyes. Whatever happens, I know I loved so deep for a reason. He was in the psych ward. I know I was partly responsible for this. It brings me back to a time when I was in there, thinking about the love of my life, and how he had hurt me so deeply all those years ago.

We love so hard and deep. We think bipolar is a curse, but it truly is a gift. “There’s nothing like your love to get me high.” I can listen to this song over and over again. Oh, how we love. We break barriers and walls of what true love is. Nothing in the universe can compare to how a bipolar person loves. As I prayed tonight for my lost love, I wished him the best and happiness in his life. He told me that he will never find happiness, and  I remember long ago I felt the same way. It’s just a phase, baby, it will pass. I will love you from afar, and even though I cut all communication, you are deep, deep in my heart.

There are things we take for granted in this life. I know I am loved. I will not forget those who have loved me and shared with me their innermost selves. We rarely connect like stars in this universe, because our soul crushing power is like thunder that rock the heavens. In our innermost being, we cannot fathom how deep our love can go. We ache, we cry, we destroy ourselves for that oh, so great love, that comes by but once in a lifetime. But when you taste it, it’s oh so good, that we never want to stop drinking.

So keep on drinking. Drink up all that love. If you have it in your life, cherish it, don’t take it for granted. We are all guaranteed to die alone, but when we connect we get to LIVE. So LIVE I say. Live as hard and as fast as you can, cause baby, enjoy that ride, cause we only get to do it once.

Hope you guys enjoyed the song I shared tonight. It’s hella sexy, and you know, even through all the heartbreak and tears,  I have never in my life felt sexier.

Stay tuned.

The Visit

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Encircled in satin sheets for the night she waits. The suitors in her life have been calling. One at a time in and out of her life, tugging on her heartstrings and playing with her emotions. But this sex kitten knows her power she knows her strength. She remembers him. He said “kneel.” She laughed in his face. Scoffed at his audacity. No one makes her submit.

Across the oceans and continents he beckons her. Her juicy beautiful mound, natural as it is, waits for a suitor. No one knows who it will be or who it can be, not even the stars know. Heartbreak has visited her lately, as she listened to the painful message from her ex begging her to call him. She knows where that road will lead. That is a chapter that has been closed, and for the sake of her sanity and her heart she must close the book tightly shut with all her strength.

They have all come and gone over the years. Thighs pressed together as she rolls over, with her delectable breasts toppling over. Who is it now that will calm her? Who will ease the pain in her soul. She can go on many adventures with one. They can enjoy lots of cock together as she knows he is into that sort of thing, and he appreciates her body more than any man she has known. Or she can go with the handsome young man in his sharp suit waiting with a nice collar to entangle her mind with riches of the intoxicating foreplay that she craves. Oh the cat and mouse games that they play! She does love to tease him and watch him growl under his breath, the Beast waiting to take her.

But oh the message she received, from her adoring husband-to-be. The pain in his voice, breaking her heart. But she knows she isn’t responsible for him or his feelings. He has a violent temper and she will have no part in that. This vixen’s beauty is reserved for a man with honor and integrity. A gentleman. A Rhett Butler. She was just as wrong in that relationship and she knows it, so she will time just heal that one.

In the meantime, the diamonds fall to the floor as the sheets crinkle under her heavenly body. The doorbell rings. Who ist it? Which one of the fantastic suitors is it? So many have come into her life over the years. This blog is a chronicle of them through her, and her many adventures. The sex kitten. The vixen. The goddess. She embodies “woman” like no other. Men fall at her feet, and she knows it.

Topless in lace panties, with the silk sheets around her waist she answers the door.

The adventure begins here, in New York. On the snowiest day of the year.

The sweet seduction has begun. I await you. Come to me if you dare.

Stay tuned.

Goodbye, Dear Husband.

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You know I am not heartless. I blocked him everywhere, but he still managed to get me on my voicemail because he has my number. Everything in my body said “pick up the phone and message him,” but I stopped myself. I don’t need it in my life. I am scared of him. Point blank. There is no getting around it. Why live in fear when you can’t be yourself? I don’t know when he will explode, or when I would say the wrong thing where he will scream at me again.

Relationships are hard. Especially intense ones. We feel so strongly for someone, go in it with the best intentions, only to have it blow up in your face. I am not heartless. My heart broke as I heard the cracks in his voice as he told me to have a nice life. I do wish him the best. I wish that he will one day get to talk to a therapist about his anger issues, and at least address them as a problem that he has. I know I am not perfect, that’s why I AM in therapy. I have communication issues, but no one in my life has ever screamed at me for them.

I am glad that I met him though. He has opened the door to so many endless possibilities. He has let me see that I am not meant to be in a monogamous relationship, rather stick to the original plan that I had of growing old with my best friend. One day at a time. On a good note, I am on the right track of correcting my sleep patterns even though I was up all last night thinking of all of this. My sexuality has peaked as I think I may have sex soon. It’s been 7 years, I think I am due for a good lay.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to express to the Irish Gentleman out there, that I am glad he came into my life. Things have become more clear, and this experience has taught me that true love is real, even in the most volatile of situations. Sometimes in order to appreciate passionate love, we must turn our backs on it, to explore and to gain knowledge. Who knows? Maybe in a few years I will reach out to him. He said he wanted to come see me on my 40th birthday, so that may still happen. Only time will tell. But for now that chapter is closed.

Goodbye dear husband. I loved being married to you in my heart for the short time you were there.

I will never forget you.

Stay tuned.

Volatile Relationships Lead to Abuse

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When do you know to get out? When he yells so hard at you, you can’t even understand him. Yeah, maybe I was wrong and I didn’t let him say what he needed to, but it doesn’t give him the right to scream at me at the top of his lungs. These games men play. I am not going to sit here and bash men but volatile relationships lead to abuse. I am not going to be afraid to be who I am for NO man. Yeah I cut people off when they talk sometimes, but I am not going to get screamed at for it.

Things were too perfect. He was too perfect. But isn’t that how it all starts? They are sweet, caring and loving,  then the REAL side comes out. The Abuser. The Screamer. The monster you once thought was the man of your dreams. I don’t deserve to be yelled at like a child or treated like a scared kid. I was afraid a lot in my childhood and could never get a word in, that’s why I don’t let people speak, because I want to make sure my voice gets heard loud and clear.

Crash and burn. I did what I had to. Hopefully he stays gone. I don’t want him in my life, even as a friend, it hurts way too much. He hurt me way too much. I don’t want violence, I don’t want yelling, I don’t want arguments. I thought I could do it, and I would fight for love, but I won’t fight for a man who abuses me. Never will I do that. Never will I fight for a man who makes me scared to talk to him. I began to become afraid of him a couple of days ago, and I should have listened to my instincts. Well now he’s gone, and I hope he stays gone. I don’t need that in my life at all.

On a good note, after seeing Azure last night in Adult Chat, I decided to unblock him and message him. I shouldn’t have burned all those bridges. The men in my life may have used me at their convenience but NEVER was I scared of any of them. I debating whether or not to unblock the others. I probably won’t because I did feel more empowered now that they are gone.  My heart is still beating fast after that ordeal tonight. I don’t need to be so scared and feel abused. I am glad I stood up for myself. NEVER let anyone yell at you and abuse you. You are worth so much more than that.

Stay tuned.