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Ghosting. The Urban Dictionary defines it as: the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels

So the list goes on and on. Azure, someone who I have enjoyed many conversations with over the past year has officially ghosted me. He removed me from Skype and blocked me from Google Hangouts without any warning. Not a word. I can’t tell you how this feels. I was worried about him, his father’s health, and what was going on in his life. But he has officially slammed the door in my face.

I can’t explain why people do it. I always thought Azure would be the last person to ever do it; to completely show no regard for my feelings and just vanish. Maybe its fate teaching me a lesson? Maybe there is a hidden message? Maybe with all I have been doing over the past few months its telling me that I need to step back? Maybe he found my blog? So many questions, that will all go unanswered. I knew Azure the longest out of all the men I have known online. He has had relationships with women much longer than me. Why block me now? I think the hardest thing about being ghosted is when you don’t even know why. You end up just racking your brain for reasons.

This is probably my karma due to all that has gone on with the Irish and Southern Gentlemen. I know I have to take a step back from the two of them for a while. I think I need to take a step back from the whole “online” thing in general. There are many reasons why people do what they do, I just I wish I knew what they were. The hardest part about losing a lover is when he is also your friend. Someone who used to think about you and tell you that they cared for you. Was it all bullshit? Is this whole online world just a sea of expendable people? Do we just throw people away at the drop of a hat because it is just so easy to just block and move on?

This may all just be a lesson for me. I lost one of my dearest friends. He gave me no reason. I have nothing to go on. I am completely in the dark on this one. What is it like to be ghosted? It’s utter crap. I know I have done it to other people before, and like I said it’s probably karma. But who knows? The fact is no one will. I have no idea why Azure did what he did, and I might never know. Gosh, you know I wish I had some answers. A goodbye message then a block would have been nice. But nothing. Nada. Just after a year of being someone’s friend, that’s it you are nothing to them. Fuck. That’s heartless.

To all those who have been ghosted, I feel your pain. I will try my best to never to do it to anyone. When it circles around to you it is like a stab in the heart. I wish I knew why. All I want to know is why. I never will know why, will I? Just something I have to live with I suppose.

And the beat goes on.

Stay tuned.