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rain

So here I sit. The wonderful thunderstorm outside is the perfect backdrop to the pain in my heart. I have survived “no contact” with the Irish Gentleman, but I will admit I am in a deep amount of pain over him. Sometimes in life we have to let go. We have to let go of the obsession. We have to let go of what’s not good for us.

I want to pray for the right answer. Will God hear me tonight? Will the cosmos and universe align in such a way where my little voice could be heard? We are so small you know. So small, compared to the vastness of the universe. I wonder if the pains of my heart could be heard halfway across the world. I wonder if the pains in my heart could be heard by all the men who have left my life and took a piece of my soul with them. I don’t have all the answers.

I officially have a boyfriend now, and we have an open relationship. This is the only thing keeping me sane and solid in my footing. I cried tonight as I tried to let go of the pains of the past and looked forward to this bright new future with this young man. Too much has happened. It is a quiet period now as most of the men in my life have basically dropped off. Azure and The Literary are nowhere to be found and I don’t know if they will ever resurface. All I know is the heartbreak I feel is undeniable. Was it so bad? Did I make the right decision? The wind howls outside now as my door creaks and cracks. Is that God out there telling me something? Should I look for the signs once again?

Cancer Horoscope for Today, April 4th 2017:

You could be communicating a lot today. This could be the sort of day when you have to write a letter or proposal all of a sudden, or make a short speech to inform others about something new. You’ll enjoy using your language abilities. You have a way with words, so don’t be shy!

Well at least someone thinks so right??!! I will admit I didn’t read my horoscope before I started writing this post. But I think it is spot on because I have my therapy session today so that could be me informing someone of something new. I need a new strategy. Something has got to shake, move, change or just rattle. I need some movement in my life. The inertia and this mundane existence is overwhelming. I want a reason to get up in the morning. I want a reason to live. I feel like I have no purpose, no meaning, no truth. What will my mark on the world be? What will I be remembered for? Is this all pointless? Are all the ups and downs, tears and pain just meaningless? Does it all even matter?

Only God knows.

But I am sure time will tell as well.

Stay tuned.

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