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despair

Goodbye. Why can’t I let go? Do you feel what I feel? I am in utter torment for the way I ended things. Just an endless circle of pain and despair. My prayers won’t work tonight. I am not under God’s eyes, or in his sight tonight. In the early morning hours, I contemplate my life. No one knows this utter pain I feel deep in my chest. You know how much I love you and want to reach out to you. But something stops me.

I would rather throw you away than have you in my life intermediately.. If I can’t spend every waking hour talking to you, I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want to hear that I need to get out of my bed, I need to eat, shower and take care of myself. I don’t want any part of it, I just want you. My obsession is unpalatable. It’s undeniable. I am drunk off you, that not even the strongest liquor in the world can help me.

I am not alone. I keep telling myself that. The Southern Gentleman has ben most helpful as I drown myself in despair over you. I fear you, I fear your anger. I know it’s there, just underneath the surface. My eyes are barely open. I am in a trance, in a daze as the words look all fuzzy on the screen. I am falling deep down the rabbit hole. Pretty soon there will be no reaching me. I cried for you tonight.

I am obsessed, I am lost. But I won’t call you. I won’t go to you.

You have to stay gone. You have to stay out of my life.

Almost. Just almost.

Stay tuned.

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