, , , , , , , , ,


So, I made it over hurdle of my disability review, but everything else in my life is in shambles. The relationships I was forming took a nose-dive as I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. Whatever I felt for the Irish Gentleman is gone now. I can’t explain it. He said he would be there for me, but rushes me off the phone so I can “go get myself sorted.” Maybe I just want to spend time with him instead? Whatever he was trying to do for me to take care of myself backfired because I really needed to talk to someone this morning and he basically got rid of me. I don’t need that in my life. I am still not sure if he will ever turn around and yell at me again, and all that hangs over my head. We are just not meant to be with each other and that is that. I am no longer in a position to try because I just can’t anymore.

I reached out to the Southern Gentleman again, and I hope I am doing the right thing. I am going back and forth with these guys because my head is a total mess. I know each of the men in my life care deeply for me, but I don’t know what I can and can’t handle. It all has been too much for me over the past two weeks. Life seems to be going at rocket speed and I just seem to be catching up.

What will happen with this disability evaluation? Will they take it away? I nearly cried in her office when she was interrogating me about what I do all day and how my sleep is, (my followers here should know how that is). Sleep is an absolute disaster for me. I mean I managed to get a handle on it last night, but a couple of nights ago, I was up all night again and all day. I can’t live my life in fear or in solitude. I wish I could make a decent change.

In all honesty, I feel like I am disappointment to the Irish Gentleman and I don’t know why. I don’t want to face it and I don’t want to talk about it. I needed him out of my life for a reason, and whatever feelings I am having is telling me I am doing the right thing. I fear him still, down in my gut. I am afraid of him. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, acting a certain way, even though he says he loves me for me. I can’t handle it. It is just way too much for me. I took the coward’s way out and just left a message and disabled the account. I am really upset over everything. I really don’t know if my disability will be renewed. I don’t know what is going to happen to me and my life.

I wish I just had some answers.

Alas only time will tell.

Stay tuned.