Alone. Again. Sigh. I am so needy and desperate. I have people in my life yes, but I am out of control with the loneliness. I cannot get it satisfied, no matter what I do. These mood swings are undeniable. I feel like I am on a mountain of pain. I feel so utterly alone. I hate being alone. I don’t even want to go into a chat or forum. I don’t want to play a game. I need a job, I want a job. I need to do something with my days.
Alone. It is overwhelming. I don’t want to talk to anyone. No one can help me. I wish I can be alone by myself and be happy. I wish I could find joy in things to occupy my time. This is so stifling. I want to work so badly. I want to find a reason to get up out of bed in the morning. The disability review is coming. They won’t get off their fuckin’ ass and give me an answer already. I just want a part-time job while I wait for the right civil service test to open up. In the meantime, I am alone.
I am so alone, I can’t say it enough. This bipolar bullshit. I hate it. I hate absolutely everything about it. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Just die and be nothing to no one. I am at the brink of utter insanity. I am sinking deep back into depression. I hate being alone. I wish I had a purpose. I wish I had a goal in life. This can’t be living. I am better off dead. Why is this happening to me? Why is everyone leaving me? Just leave me alone. You don’t want to be bothered. It’s fine. I am a burden to you all. I am sick of it. I just want to be seen, I want to be heard. I am tired of being trapped in nothingness. I hate everyone and everything. I am sinking. Sinking to the bottom of the pit of Hell.
I can’t even pray. Can’t even pray for comfort in God, who I found great comfort in at one point. I have no faith, I have no soul. I am at the bottomless mercy in the depths of annihilation. Why won’t I die? Why doesn’t God just take my life? Why do I have to keep going on and on with this pointlessness? I am sick to my stomach. I can’t bear it any longer. I am going to take my own life. It’s the only way. I want it to end. Why won’t it end? You call this a gift? Life is a gift? Is it really? When you are in utter pain and no one hears you, and no one helps you, and no one gives a shit.
No point. No reason to live.