, , , , , , , , ,

Internet dating, Valentines day concept.

He named himself “Disturbed” when he messaged “Articulate Lady” in the Adult Chat room. Endless posts of pedophilia and genitalia cams all on display, as the room zooms by, in its filth and den of sin. He messages her. She asks “so what brings you here tonight?” He replies “I am actually not here for anything really, I am just looking for someone. A special woman, the love of my life, although she may not speak to me, I want to know she is okay.” How sweet, “Articulate Lady” thinks to herself.  If only someone cared for me that much, loved me so much that they would come and look for me here, in this room of debauchery, against all possible odds where there are literally thousands of people.

“If only someone loved me so much”, she thought, as “Disturbed” continued to talk about his lost love. How jealous she was that a man could love a woman this much online. “I wish it were me,” she thought. Then he says it, “What is your real name? You may be the one I have been searching for.” Her heart stops. It was him. The Irish Gentleman. The man who has been plaguing her thoughts, dreams, and prayers the last few weeks since they parted. The man she thought was so unstable, she had to change her phone number. Should she tell him who she was? Should she just close the window and disappear into nothingness?

After my last post, I realized how alone I was. How utterly and unbelievably alone I was in this world. I let my sea of despair drown me in booze where my new-found sobriety had been lost yet again; all over guilt and this overwhelming feeling of nothingness. “Take a chance, just take a chance,’ my inner voice screams out to me as I realize it is now or never. I tell the Irish Gentleman who I am and 6 1/2 hours later I realize this man was brought back into my life for a reason. He is meant to be in my life. He is meant to love me, and all this running around I have been doing has been a waste of time.

I know back and forth with the bullshit right? For weeks I have been screaming on my blog for him to leave me alone, gone on with trysts with other suitors and basically gone on with my life. But he found me. In my despair. “I read your blog,” he says. “I just wanted to know if you were okay, I was worried about you, you seemed to be in such pain.” Wow. He hunted me down just to tell me this. Turns out he didn’t want to tell his real feelings to “Articulate Lady” because he didn’t really know that was me. He happened to just answer my call for “interesting and intelligent men” in the Adult Chat (so stupid right?), in which his first message to me was “Good luck finding that in here,” not knowing who I really was. Come to find out, I was EXACTLY who he was looking for.

So what now you ask? Well it’s a new beginning. I am not jumping in head first like I did that last time. He is on meds and taking good care of himself. He absolved me of the guilt and calmed my fears. My faith brought me to him, as I prayed that he would find strength and stay alive. Not only did he make it but he is doing very well for himself. I may not know what is going to happen, but I know I will never be alone again. I have a man in my life who loves me, that can’t live without me, and would have stayed single the rest of his life knowing that he let the one great love in his life go. I am not stupid. I know how this goes. He yelled at me once and I left, without so much as a word. That ended up giving him the push he needed and he got help. Now he is working on himself, just like I am.

Can two crazy psychotics make it in this fucked up world? We shall see.

Stay tuned.