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im not okay

Alone. How desperately we try to reach out. I have never felt more alone in my life. As I sit here and type I realize I have no friends and no one in my life. I chose it this way I suppose, because there have been people who have tried to reach out to me. Last night I was supposed to go out with my friend, and she straight up ditched me. I mean like WTF? No call, ignored my calls, and sent a text later that night saying “sorry I was feeling shitty tonight.” I am so sick of this shit in my life.

I want to connect so badly. I want to feel God pulsating through me. I want to feel manic so I don’t feel so alone. At least with the thoughts in my head at least I can have some company. I have never felt more alone. I thought about the Irish Gentleman last night. I had just finished watching “The Book of Eli,” (great film if you haven’t seen it with Denzel Washington), and it had me thinking about faith. I read a short story called “The Egg” by Andy Weir that basically stated how we are all connected and we are all one. I hurt the Irish Gentleman deeply and I might as well have hurt myself. I feel unbelievable guilt over that situation and I know I shouldn’t have left things the way they were. I hope he gets the help he needs, I truly do. I cut out the Southern Gentleman too because I just can’t be bothered. I got sexual with him too soon, and it seems that’s all where his head is at. I don’t want to “put on a show” for anyone anymore.

I just wish there was someone out there for me. I went back on OKCupid, talked to one guy and ended up blocking him. I don’t know, I don’t think I am cut out for online dating either. Fuck, how I hate this bipolar shit. I wish I never had it. I wish I had a career I loved and a man who loved me in my life. I am tired of being this way, feeling and living in utter shit. All I have is my faith I suppose. But even that is waning. I kneeled down to pray last night and immediately felt like throwing up. Maybe its all the sins that I am paying for regurgitating back up through me, trying to teach me a lesson. Follow the signs. I wish God would show me the way. I wish He would speak to me again. I wish I could hear Him in my head. I am so lost and alone.

I have never felt more alone in my life. I wish there was a man out there I could talk to and get to know. I wish I could have an articulate intellectual conversation that would make me feel satisfied and sustained. All I get are perverts are men who are “bored.” God do something with your life would you? Bring something to the table of conversation other than you’re “bored,” as if it is my fuckin’ job to entertain you. I am sick and tired of this bullshit generation of automatons and droids running around in their Facebook/Twitter/Tinder universe. God, I just want to die. Just die and leave it all behind.

When will it ever get better?

Stay tuned.