When we walk into the unknown, what comes out on the other end? I am walking into the unknown as we speak because my disability review hangs in the balance. They want a ourside doctor to look me over, and I gotta say, I am freaking out. I finally managed to get some sleep and kind of put myself in a normal sleep pattern for the first time in ages. Also I got some kick ass bed sheets from Wal-Mart that look fantastic on my bed.
Pretty nice right? I think it looks awesome. Purple is my all time favorite color, although it looks quite pink from the picture. But anyway, things have been looking up, because even as this disability review looms overhead, I have been thinking about working full-time but as a civil service worker. You know, get a nice cushy job with great benefits that you can’t really be discriminated for if you have a disability. Just when things start looking up, I am hit with a cannonball. Shit just doesn’t go right in my life it seems. Just when I start getting my head together I get this bombshell dropped on me of a ourside opinion for this review. I never felt more uneasy. Being in a mountian of debt because I can’t control my spending will break me if they take it away. But you know, if I am dead what can the creditors do?
I haven’t contemplated suicide in quite some time, but stress like this really puts me over the edge. How could I ever get to a job on time if I am up all night like a maniac? How can I ever be able to function in society when I am a wreck most of the time? So many questions. My mania and depression are so up and down these days. I broke my sobriety streak and I am feeling guilty about it. But you know what today is *Day Two* for a whole new stab at sobriety. Hopefully I will make this one stick. I even marked it on the calendar. I am determined not to let this review and all this other shit shake me to the point where I go off and drown in a bottle again. I remember being there and all it does it make things go from bad to worse at lightening speed.
In other news, I managed to rid myself of the Irish Gentleman, and i think I am thankful for it. He needs help and I hope he gets it. He was way too volatile for me and was basically emotionally blackmailing me with all his sad messages. I really took a stab in the heart over that. On a good note, I reconnected with the Southern Gentleman and things seem to be well on that front. He has matured a lot over the past 5 months since our breakup and seems to have really improved upon himself. I think having him in my life will do me a lot of good. I need a bit of stability in my online life. Azure and I got hot and heavy yesterday morning when I was trying to get myself some sleep. And the Literary beeped in as I was trying to get rest as well. I need to cut these guys out. I need to sleep at night, and the UK and New Zealand don’t really coincide well with my new rehabilitated sleeping schedule. But I won’t discount them yet because in my life things can go either way.
Every day is a mystery, a new adventure. If I lose my disability I can always repeal it. I am not ready yet to try to get a full-time job, I barely got my sleeping schedule fixed. I am on day two for fuck’s sake. Give me a break! I just hope my new founded ambition to get my life in order doesn’t equal “oh you’re healthy, you can work, so we’re just going to throw you back out there.” That will suck for sure. I really hope it doesn’t come to that.
Anyway, cheers to a new life goal and finally making some headway in the right direction. That is if this bipolar doesn’t kill me first. We’ll see what happens.