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mania

Mania Hell. Oh my gosh. What the hell? This absolute nonsense of wanting a goddamn drink so friggin’ bad, just screws with your head entirely. Live one day with bipolar and I swear you will need a fuckin’ drink. I am on 30 hours no sleep now, and nothing is stopping me from taking that 4 months of abstaining from alcohol and pissing it all away. I have worked so hard for this moment you know? I have gone to hell and back with the demons in my head. Meds don’t help for shit. It’s my willpower that has gotten me this far.

I am screaming at the top of my lungs going F*CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK! Like wtf for real. What is going on in my head? Absolute friggin’ madness. I am fighting it. Every day is such a battle. A battle with the drink. Look I have a good life right? I have no money in the stupid bank, but I have enough for a few bottles right? Just go get drunk. Just go do it. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. Nothing is stopping me. Nothing no one.

But I won’t. I have my friend with me tonight. The dearest friend to me in the whole world who won’t let that happen. And later I will be talking to my other friend who will help me through the bipolar haze till I finally fall off to sleep. It’s amazing what friends can do for you in your life when you have them. Who needs AA? I failed at it so many times over, and I am doing this all by myself. I know I have my spirituality with me, and my “higher power” has always been my voice. AA works for some people, but I never functioned properly in the “group environment.” I mean when I was in the Day Program I would buy a bottle and go home every night. Sometimes even drink at the center. So what does that tell you. EPIC F*CKIN’ FAIL.

But now you know what alcohol won’t win the war. It won’t beat me. I will conquer it. I will beat this I know I will. I am the strongest I have ever been in my life, and even though the mania hits me the way it does, and I always end up back in the psych ward after ever attempt at sobriety, I will balance it. I will not let this shit be my master. I will make it my bitch. Hold on, the ride gets bumpy from here.

Stay tuned.

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