You know I am not heartless. I blocked him everywhere, but he still managed to get me on my voicemail because he has my number. Everything in my body said “pick up the phone and message him,” but I stopped myself. I don’t need it in my life. I am scared of him. Point blank. There is no getting around it. Why live in fear when you can’t be yourself? I don’t know when he will explode, or when I would say the wrong thing where he will scream at me again.
Relationships are hard. Especially intense ones. We feel so strongly for someone, go in it with the best intentions, only to have it blow up in your face. I am not heartless. My heart broke as I heard the cracks in his voice as he told me to have a nice life. I do wish him the best. I wish that he will one day get to talk to a therapist about his anger issues, and at least address them as a problem that he has. I know I am not perfect, that’s why I AM in therapy. I have communication issues, but no one in my life has ever screamed at me for them.
I am glad that I met him though. He has opened the door to so many endless possibilities. He has let me see that I am not meant to be in a monogamous relationship, rather stick to the original plan that I had of growing old with my best friend. One day at a time. On a good note, I am on the right track of correcting my sleep patterns even though I was up all last night thinking of all of this. My sexuality has peaked as I think I may have sex soon. It’s been 7 years, I think I am due for a good lay.
I just wanted to take this opportunity to express to the Irish Gentleman out there, that I am glad he came into my life. Things have become more clear, and this experience has taught me that true love is real, even in the most volatile of situations. Sometimes in order to appreciate passionate love, we must turn our backs on it, to explore and to gain knowledge. Who knows? Maybe in a few years I will reach out to him. He said he wanted to come see me on my 40th birthday, so that may still happen. Only time will tell. But for now that chapter is closed.
Goodbye dear husband. I loved being married to you in my heart for the short time you were there.
I will never forget you.