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falling-into-the-abyss

Broken promises heading on the horizon. Messages left unanswered, as the hours go on. My sleep is affected by the pain I feel. I ran into Azure tonight in the Adult Chat, where I said I would never go, but I found myself there again. I told him why I blocked him and then I left. I hope he has some closure. As for me, I am in between indifference and disappointment. I won’t try anymore. I have nothing left to give. I tried my best but it wasn’t enough.

As the heavens opened The Believer made his appearance tonight, as he found me too. I may have blocked them, but they find me still, reminding me of the past I once had. I will no longer be there for their convenience. I am no one’s last resort. I am no one’s booty call. I don’t even know where I belong. I need to pray to find the answers because I am sinking. Sinking deep into a depression again. I want to bring myself out of it.

Winds howl outside as my soul aches inside. I am searching again. I thought my search was over. I don’t know what I am searching for exactly, but I need to find hope again. I need hope. I have none for myself. I started making moves towards my future, but tonight I fell back on that promise to myself. I took my pills but I am still up, battling the insomnia and the rage building inside of myself. I still feel like I am walking on eggshells. This is not right. This is not what it was supposed to be. I feel lost, not myself. What the hell is happening? This whole thing is wrong. Our last phone call he basically got rid of me. What the fuck? We used to spend hours together. Now it’s all different.

I want to disappear. Not be seen or heard from anyone. Don’t find me. I am no one. I am nothing. Leave me alone. I want to fall and hide. Just disappear, and be the mask of what I used to be. I won’t unblock the guys though. I realize that guys isn’t what I need. I am depending too much on them for happiness. Drowning in them and losing myself. Obsession, that is what this is. I am out there searching because I am obsessed with the rush of meeting someone new. But the thing is I don’t want a lasting relationship with them. I have a relationship. What am I doing? I am knocking my head against a wall in my bipolar mind. My demons are strong, and as the hours pass they call out to more and more. God help me as I try to quell their desires. My heart is breaking again. But I am stronger for it. This bipolar wave is sickening, and the insomnia is worse.

What will become of me?

Will I end up dead and that will just be the end of it?

Only time will tell.

Stay tuned.

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