You know, I haven’t had many successful relationships in my past, but I do know that each one teaches me a lesson. I have always had very low self-worth. This experience has taught me that I am worth a hell of a lot more than I give myself credit for. In a previous post in which I jumped to the absolute wrong conclusion and totally messed up on my part, I wrote that I would unblock all the men that have been “passing flings” in my life and go back to my old ways. I don’t think I will do that even if things between me and the Irish Gentleman don’t work out. I think I am worth a hell of a lot more than that.
Relationships can be volatile and combative. I think that if a couple fights and argues then that isn’t the relationship for me. I need to face some hard facts. It was a great honeymoon period for me, and to be honest it was all about me. All about my issues, my feelings and my problems. I didn’t think of the problems and issues he might have had. That is where I messed up. Was it completely selfish of me? It probably was. I have a habit of cutting people off too when they are speaking, and that’s a defect that has always gotten me into trouble and just seemed to anger him even more. I think we are just two very different people who shared an amazing love affair. I do love him, there is not doubt in my mind about it, but do I want to go the rest of my life fighting and walking on eggshells? I highly doubt it.
But there is another side of it too. He is an amazing man. One who showed me great things. He made me feel absolutely loved and cared for, and all the arguments was only to put my best interest first. I am not stupid, I understand that. Am I willing to throw away a relationship because it is just too hard? Do I have the courage? This morning I felt like a coward saying we needed to re-evaluate things. But as I have taken some time and thought about things I would have to say that he is worth fighting for. I have a lot of issues yes, and the bipolar resurfaces its ugly head from time to time, but doesn’t he have the right to have issues too? Am I just making excuses because I want to fight for love? I have never been in this situation before. Someone has never been so in love with me before. Am I just scared to handle what that may bring? I want to fight for love. I want to battle for what we have.
I think people walk away too easily, and I have to admit that this morning I felt as if I was one of those people. The honeymoon phase is over and it’s time to face facts. Can this work? Will you fight for him? Will you be understanding enough to realize that he has issues too and can you understand those issues? All hard questions that I have to face. But I willing to face them. I am willing to fight for the man I love. No one has come along to make me feel the way he does and I am definitely NOT going back to the others who have made me feel like I was on the bottom of the totem pole.
Now the waiting begins. Will he contact me? Will we resolve this and make our love stronger? Only time will tell.