So it’s one of many nights that I have stayed up till the crack of dawn due to this bipolar bullshit and this crap I call a life. I am extremely fed up with men. I think I have seriously had enough. I don’t know what it is, but they seem to bring out the worst in me. The Literary, someone who I have written about in the past, has a habit of just popping up. He comes and goes every few months or so, and I am just about done. What the hell do I need with an immature 22-year-old anyway? Yet I am always pulled in with his skill of the words. Men that can use words eloquently, with charm and grace always know how to get me.
But this is a pattern that has gone on for quite some time. As I sit here and listen to Adele which might as well be Taylor Swift man hating songs at this point, I am so done. I am done with being “ghosted.” I am tired on being on a man’s time-table. Thankfully, I have found someone who is so kind and wonderful and I feel like strangling him for being so nice to me. WTF??? This total bipolarness has got to stop. I am totally screwed up right now. I am so hostile, angry and just overwhelmingly tired, and I have to stay up for this goddamn psychiatrist appointment, who I am probably going to curse out because he tried to screw with my meds this month which almost threw me into a depression. I am so irritated. I have been in pain all week too dealing with wisdom teeth and ended up wasting $88 in dental costs due to them telling me what I already know.
Also, I screwed up the ONE and ONLY job I had lined up by telling them I was on disability. They never called me back either. Prejudice much? Who would want a whack job working for them anyway? I am finished I tell you. Done. The inertia in my life is at a breaking point. I am tired, fucked up and bipolar. A bipolar chaotic mess. I want to scream at the top of my lungs but I have to be quiet because its 7am. Screw the whole world at this point. I am done being a beating stick for my own life. I swear every time I enter a chat site I am flogging myself. Yet I keep going anyway. This is worse than addiction, and at two months sober all I want is a goddamn drink. I want to drink, drown and just get totally intoxicated and not give a shit about anything. I need a break. A break from this life. If I could just kill myself for two hours and come back to life for this appointment, I would in a heart beat.
Man I wish there was a Fight Club out there right now, where I can beat the shit out of some random dude. “I am not Jack’s miniscule bullshit life.”
Someone kill me, shoot me now. Just make it stop. Please make it stop.
Let’s hope I live through today, and make it through till tomorrow.