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crying-angelSo this bipolar has two poles right? Well the depressive side is utter shit. I mean what I am feeling I can’t even describe. My body is screaming at me from the inside. I am just sleeping my life away, and I don’t want to be awake. I want to die. Today more than ever. I mean is there even a point to this nonsense?  I mean there are absolutely zero jobs calling me back, and I don’t even know if I can work in this state, but I need to make money.

This feels horrible. My doctor doubled my Haldol dosage, so I don’t even know if that is what it is. Whatever it is I don’t like it. My whole body feels stiff and I am just down, so down. I don’t know if I am being affected by that friend of mine I saw the other night that I went totally ga-ga over. But whatever happened, this has been a total breakdown. I am drowning. I just sleep and sleep, even when I am not tired. It’s like it’s almost painful

What is causing this? Make it stop, please God make it stop. I am screaming out to the Universe tonight. Where is God now? Why has he left me? I am so abandoned in my heart. I have nothing worth living for. If I die right now, it wouldn’t even matter to anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone. I am falling so hard. In a freefall of a Hell that I created for myself. I latch onto men in which it is impossible to maintain any kind of relationship. I am a masochist, whipping myself daily with all these actions I am doing.

I pray, pray to get me out of this. I want to live, I really do. I don’t want to die, but now I feel like it’s the only option. This life I am living is so pointless. Every day I get up, sit at my computer and just stare at it. I have nothing to live for. Nothing brings me joy, nothing brings me pleasure. I am deep in the depressive side of the pole. Broken glass at my feet as I try and walk. The fire burns under my nails as I type. When will it end? Pull down the dagger deep into my chest. Make it stop.

Fuck, this is no way to live..