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reflection

So yesterday was full-blown mania. It was filled with all sorts of revelations, thoughts and feelings on my life and my experiences. But where does that leave me now? Incredibly lonely I would have to say, and even a little depressed. I have some posts to make on some roleplaying sites. Did I tell you I tried my hand at roleplaying? I mean not smut filled sex writing, but actual storytelling with another partner. I may take a look at it a little later, but I am in a state where I really don’t want to do much, or even be creative.

So what is going on in my bipolar mind? A lot of reflection and loneliness. I actually joined a dating website for the mental health community, but they are taking forever to approve my profile so that’s another scam that I have been suckered into. I haven’t heard back from any of the jobs I applied to yesterday, so I am kinda bummed about that. I am just kind of bummed period. I thought I could find joy in the present moment, but everything just seems like bullshit. People, places, things, just everything seems like complete bullshit. It just may be me coming down from that high I was on yesterday. It may be that there is no point in living. In may be that there is no point in any of this.

Why do we keep going on?

Why do we continue on with the struggle?

I feel no joy. I feel hollow. The inertia in my life is finite. It feels like this is forever, when I know in the back of the depressed polarity of my mind that it is not. I just wish I had something to DO. Something to live for. I don’t want to sit here on government money (which I earned to be fair), and just rot away in a miserable existence as age 40 looms in. A guy messaged me on OKCupid that I have been messaging back and forth with for a while. He wants to meet. Eh. With my new outlook on life and how split my sexuality is, do I really want to do that? I think I will do him a favor and not subject him to my madness. I am in no mood or state to even attempt dating.

Where has all the time gone?

When will life matter and I can FEEL something again?

I miss the days of purpose. Of getting up each morning and contributing to society. God, I wish I can find work soon and get me out of this trapped mind of mine. I wish I can do something to bring me joy. I wish I had friends. I wish someone would give a damn. You know I look a long hard look in the mirror this afternoon  as I wallowed over my money woes when I had to pay a ridiculous amount in prescription drug costs. Where had all my money gone? Where were all those “friends” that I had I gave money to, when things were hard? How come I have no one to call to lend me $25 so I can have food to eat until February 3rd. Where are all of them?

No I wonder I feel like shit.

People are shit. Selfish fucked up shits who just know how to use and then throw you in the garbage.

Why get up tomorrow morning? No one will give a damn anyway.

*Shakes head* No wallowing. No wallowing in self-hatred and hatred for other people. Just live on. You are doing fine. Fine with the couple of people who ARE in your life but you have too much pride to ask anything of them. It’s those worthless pieces of shit who used you when they needed you. Those are the bastards I hope karma comes for. But things are okay. You’re going to make it through another month. Just budget, budget until your next job and then, maybe, you can find some purpose.

It’s okay. It’s okay.

Stay tuned.

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