So I had gotten to the point where I went totally “Zen” and had some great revelations. That’s all fine and good, but how do you address the Elephant in the Room? The Sexuality that is YOU? I spoke to the Believer for the first time in ages, and confessed some deep truths. I fell in love with him months ago online, and when I asked him for his loyalty he turned me down. Loyalty as in “I won’t cyber screw any other chick.” Yeah why would you do that anyway? It’s ONLINE! But I digress.Now, he could have lied to me, he could have been a douche and got what he wanted, then just strung me along but he didn’t; so I will give him credit. However, this started me down a road in which led me to the place I am at today.
Over the months that followed the Believer’s rejection, I engaged in many sexual activities with anonymous men online, and even met one in particular who became my confidant and good friend, Azure. But Azure was also to blame. I had some pretty intense escapades with him as well, and when it came down to “let’s try a relationship” I was met with the same rejection along the lines of what happened with the Believer, although I wasn’t in love with this one. Again, I didn’t let it affect me and went on my merry way. Then something happened.
I met an Aussie, who I started to have feelings for, and was getting a little hot and heavy with then all of a sudden, a total shutdown. Was he going to do what all the others had? Was I just going to be an online fuckrag and be thrown away? So many questions. I have to say one thing, I am thankful albeit, GRATEFUL, that these are all happening online because if I was out there in there in the real world sleeping with these men I would be royally screwed up in the head right now. All I know is now I am stuck. I want to connect deeply, intimately with a man online.
Why don’t I go out and find a real man in the real world? Hmm. As nice as that sounds, I would like to stay in the confines of my bedroom. I think for me, at this point in my life, meeting a man in real life would require a lot of courage on my part. Courage to see past my own weight, my own self-esteem issues, my own Elephant in the Room which is bipolar.and a host of other reasons. Plus I am not working and strapped for cash, so dating and getting all dressed up isn’t an option. Maybe I am just making excuses I don’t know, all I do know is I am, again, thankful and so grateful at this point that I wasn’t actually sleeping with these men.
So what do I do now? Honestly I don’t know. The days are getting lonelier though. I do desperately want to connect now more than ever for some reason. I had stayed away from it before, but as I am getting little tastes of good conversations on some chat sites, its like a moth to a flame, or an alcoholic to a drink, I must go back for more. I mean I am masturbating, but to empty meaningless porn. I remember what it was like to be called “online wife” as silly as that sounds. But I desire that. That label of commitment. But honestly, I think I am going to have to venture in the real world to find that and I think that is what scares me the most. Real life? To find a real commitment? God help me.