So this is my mania talking. Two posts in one day! All having to do with sexuality! I have to say tonight, (or today), has been a night of revelations and insights into my sexual personality. I had a conversation with Azure this afternoon about my current situation. It seems that I have FINALLY identified the dysfunction of my sexuality. Since I am in the 36- hour-no-sleep phase I will just post parts of the conversation I had with Azure in this post because even in my incoherent mania, I was able to explain it all coherently to him as I will to you all.
As I mentioned in my previous post, Azure, (through no fault of his own), rejected me in the same way The Believer did. When I wanted to become “exclusive or in a relationship” with then because we were sexually involved, they both rejected me. It seems to me, that subconsciously, I was wanting a relationship, (even though I am a free sexual spirit and I do all kinds of crazy things). The root of the matter is I crave monogamy whether or not my pussy or hormones accepts that. And I think it finally came to a breaking point where my subconscious just shut me off, and just set up a “block,” so to speak, for every time I wanted to engage in sexual matters online with men on a more romantic and personal level.
You see, when I reveal myself to an anonymous cam, the problem, and why I “split,” is because when I see myself as “BigTittiedSlut” I become that person. No face, just sex. But when I am “Intelligent Lady,” I am me, I feel myself exposed and heart, body and soul can no longer enjoy themselves sexually. This split happened a long time ago, over years of abuse and men using me for sex in the real world. You see I am a very complex person, some people can separate emotion and connection with love and sex, and I can’t differentiate the two. I have always used sex to try to get love in real life because I thought that was always a way to man’s heart. It has been imprinted on me since the tender young age of 14 when I lost my virginity to a 22-year-old man I desperately loved, but who was just using me for sex.
For many, many years all the way up to my 20s, I had fallen in love with everyone I slept with. Then one day when I realized they were using me,. I began using them and I completely separated myself into a “sexual self” and a “loving self”. So when I finally fell TRULY in love, when I turned 30 (the actual last time I had sex), it was horrible because after we slept together the first night, I couldn’t ever sleep with him again because I “loved” him and I couldn’t get the “sexual self” and “loving self” back together again. This hurt our relationship, and even though we tried a sexless relationship for almost 3 years, (being the wonderful man that he is), there was always the Elephant in the Room of “no sex” that we just couldn’t avoid any longer. It gave me such grief and breaks my heart even to this day because the only man I ever TRULY loved completely, I lost because I couldn’t sleep with him and I couldn’t work past our problems. That “split” was going on in even in our relationship where I would cheat online and get sleazy sexual thrills behind his back. It ate me up inside and eventually led to our break up. After that, I stayed celibate engaging in cheesy one night stand type deals with men online until I was finally able to bridge the “sexual self” and “loving self” together again, but my heart was always on the edge, allowing me to slip deep in love each time albeit it was just online.
How was I able to mend the split? I was able to bridge myself together with the help of a spiritual teacher back in early February of 2013. Almost exactly four years ago to the day. Through deep spiritual teachings and sacred sexuality I was able to identify both parts of the “split” and address them both as separate entities. We would roleplay as if I was the “sexual self” to get off and then I would turn back into the “loving self.” It was a long and grueling process that took deep understanding and patience over years of exploring. He eventually made me his “online wife” (as silly as it was), and taught me about sexual freedom online through polygamy. He made me feel comfortable about engaging with many men online and still being his “online wife” even though he had another “wife” too. But that commitment to me was always there, so I felt comfortable and was able to be free. So I suppose in some odd way, I considered any man I got involved with over a period of time sexually like a “husband” in my own way (without telling them of course) but when the question of actual commitment came up my brain FINALLY recognized that I was fooling it and decided that it was going to shut down my pussy from any romantic encounter I was going to have in the future, because that commitment is no longer there in which the bridge between the two parts was able to be made in the past.
Talk about one crazy bitch right? Tell me about it.
So, right now I consider myself “damaged” and that “split” has happened once again. I suppose I will just have to stay split, until another bridge can be made somehow again. I will continue to get my sexual thrills from men online anonymously, (no friendship or romance, just sex), stick to porn, and any males I meet online will remain good dear friends with. That will kill romance for me with any men so my previous post about me trying to date again, has got to be scrapped. I won’t even attempt to date a man in my present condition, because having the knowledge I have now, I won’t subject another wonderful man, (like the man I truly loved, who is now my best friend), to a sexually stunted girlfriend. I can’t have sex with a man who I have an emotional connection with now. How fucked up is that? Talk about loose marbles.
But in the meantime, I have online friends. Azure promised he would stick around, and so has The Believer. I would hope that another bridge could be made possibly with Azure because we started by sharing stories of our online sexual adventures, so perhaps that will get me aroused again in the future? Who knows? Anyway, off to be the “sinner” (sexual self), the “saint” or (loving self), will have to sit this one out.