“We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves? We want more than this life has to offer, we are more than the wars of our fathers.” I couldn’t think of a better way to describe my feelings right now. I am sitting here, not being able to write, not being able to move. Just stuck inside my own head. Bipolar is crippling, I don’t care what anyone says. Yeah sure, we can go on and live normal lives, take medication, “Be Sane,” but are we really? Doesn’t it always stay with you?
I often told myself I will not let this illness break me. But everyday it just chips away at my soul. Am I really meant to live? I mean, since I quit my job, I have been staying up late, waking up mid-afternoon, and just end up feeling like the worst piece of shit on the planet. I don’t even want to speak to anyone. No anonymous chatter, no friend, not even my best friend. I am sinking, when yesterday I was just fine. I HATE THIS. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
I know sometimes when I am feeling the mania, I feel like bipolar is a gift, but not right now. Right now I feeling like it is the deadliest disease on the planet and I just want to take a bullet to my brain. I can’t feel joy anymore. I can’t even feel my sex drive. I can’t enjoy the company of another. What the fuck???!!!! STOP BIPOLAR! JUST STOP!
I am screaming. Just screaming. I can’t do this. But I know I can. I want to connect, but I don’t want to connect. I want to stop feeling this way, but I can’t. I want to call someone, but I don’t want to. This shit is a real struggle. I just have to think to myself, if I can get through the next hour, the next minute, the next second, I will be okay. I am Meant to Live. I know the music may not be your taste, but the message is real. It brings me back to a better time, back to when Spiderman 2 was still in the theaters. Back to when I was completely manic and didn’t give a damn.
We were meant to live for so much more.