Well here comes the insomnia again. Sometimes I think, why do I bother? I quit my job earlier today. The job I had been counting on for a long time. The job that would pull me out of my nocturnal habit and bring me back to the world of the living. So yeah, that’s not happening. Besides my boss being a total asshole, even in my critique of him, he shot back in an email response to my resignation of all the ways in which he was so great and the whole thing was somehow MY dysfunction. Could this guy be a bigger douche? Yeah, he’s been in business for 47 years, longer than I have been alive, but who HANDWRITES payroll cards and tax forms these days? Since his handwriting is completely atrocious and his arithmetic is completely wrong, all his employees’ W-2s will be wrong. AND he never heard of an I-9 form which basically proves your citizenship and it is REQUIRED BY LAW that you keep it on file. I should report his ass, just to be a bitch. I am livid right now, and all it would take is a call to Homeland Security or my local Immigration office.
But I digress, rant over. Things have just been shitty lately, but you know what’s funny? I am not even in a bad mood, even with all that crap that went down. I was actually feeling pretty good today, as I enjoyed this 60 degree weather, when I went to see my therapist. Look I have my disability right? But even with it, I somehow find myself without money and the point of this job was to put something away. I suppose with my review coming up I should lay low anyway, and not “show” that I attempted to work, because they are just looking for an excuse to take it away. I don’t want a free pass. I understand that I am fully functional and can probably do a 9-5, but what if my mania comes back? What if I am hospitalized like I was last year? That shit is not fun. You lose EVERYTHING you work for. And once you lose the disability it is almost impossible for you to get it back. Yeah, that’s the way its set up. Threaten to rip away your benefits if you try to do the right thing and attempt to improve your life and go back to work. GO USA! But I won’t fret, I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.
And just like I thought, the “Time and Space Guy” that ghosted me, ghosted me AGAIN. Fuck me man, can I catch a break? I swear I have lost all faith in humanity at this point. I am tired of people popping in and out of my life when they feel like it. I made a promise to myself for this year’s New Year’s Resolution (a bit late) to keep people at a good distance and leave their ass there. I have had enough of it.
So what to do now? Well my therapist suggested I keep busy. So that’s what i am going to do. I am going to go out there among the three-dimensional people and do some volunteer work. Or possibly, join some type of club or group activity. I went by my old Baha’i temple the other day and thought to myself I don’t want to go messing with that again. I know I believe in God. but do I believe in Baha’u’llah and all that? I don’t think so. I mean I believe in Jesus, (I am not Christian though because I believe he was just a man, but a man with great ideas). The way I look at it is, I have lost touch with my spirituality, my faith. I just want to find it again. Maybe with this time off again, I can make sense of all of this and can find God again. I think I need Him in my life. Too often I have turned a blind eye to Him. Who knows what the future will bring?
I will just have to live life.
Live my sad little bipolar life.
That’s the way it goes I guess.