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obsessive_love__by_tedieshi

So what is it like to be bipolar you ask? Pretty much screwed up. What is it like to be bipolar and obsessed, screwed up times ten thousand. So I wrote about “Time and Space Guy” and how wonderful it was to speak to him last night and get to know him. I didn’t think much of it really because, well you know, Aussie time zones and New York time zones aren’t really conducive to a healthy relationship. To any relationship for that matter, even a friendship.

But there is a threshold you come to, with normal thoughts and feelings, and ir seems bipolar people just don’t know when to stop and just go beyond to the other side. I hate to say it, but even though I have it in check, I really want to go ahead and message him 1000 times tonight. Is that bipolar? Is that where they get “this chick is texting me too much she’s bipolar” from? I don’t want to fit into some ridiculous stereotype, but I do feel the obsessive thoughts creeping in. Just sitting here cruising through some stupid chatrooms thinking to myself, this isn’t like it is with the “Time and Space Guy,” this is terrible!

I saw the Believer online tonight, (another Aussie, I mean seriously what is it with me and these guys?), and I didn’t even feel anything. Rewind to a couple of months ago, my heart would have skipped a beat to seeing him online and I would have been waiting all night online for him to be free to talk to me. But I outgrew him. A friend who also has bipolar told me something interesting tonight about bipolar people. He said we use people till they give us all we need and then we move on. Do we really do that? Are we really that heartless? I would have thought I would have more compassion than that, but when in reality we end up treating people like commodities. But is that a bipolar trait? Or do people do that in general. You know, with the swiping right and left bullshit that people do these days. Are people THAT expendable to us? I mean I am not even meeting these guys and I am already throwing them away, not allowing anything to grow. But really, what can grow out of a relationship between an Aussie and a New Yorker? Have I become THAT cynical? I mean it’s a nice dream and all but can it really become a reality? These days, I would say it’s doubtful. I mean I couldn’t even hold onto an online relationship with the Southerner and he was in Tennessee!

But it does feel therapeutic to sit here and just ramble on and get all my thoughts out, so thanks for reading! I have been a mess lately with this up and down crap. I do know what the cause of it is though. That alcohol, man does that bring me down. I realize now, being bipolar, I cannot have alcohol. I mean it’s fun to get a buzz and feel good for a while, but the repercussions of feeling like shit for two straight days after, is so not worth it. So crossing that off my list for a while, even though those Hennessey Colodas are to die for!

But I digress, I think it’s just a passing thing, this obsession. And once my bipolar uses “Time and Space Guy” up for all he is worth I will be on to the next one! That is so screwed up. I mean really. But I suppose it isn’t mental illness that does that, it’s just plain human nature. Our biology just craves newness, freshness, the next thrill or the next high. It’s an addict personality that deep down we all have. Speaking of addicts, I got to see Postcards From the Edge last night about the life of Carrie Fisher and her relationship with her mom Debbie Reynolds. I have to say Meryl Streep and Shirley MacLaine hit that one dead on. I really enjoyed it, and now I know why they were estranged for so many years. So to quote one of my favorite lines from the movie, I will leave you with this, because I believe this such a true statement when it comes to life.

carrie-fisher

Till next time you guys,

Stay tuned.

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