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wishful-drinking-1024

What is it like to be bipolar? What is it like to be an alcoholic? What is like to be both? Hell! Freakin’ Brutal Hell!  I am craving a drink so bad, but I know it put me in a bad place yesterday after my binge drink Tuesday. I have been pretty good over the past few months, where the cravings haven’t been so strong, but due to the overwhelming amount of emotion I am feeling over Carrie Fisher’s death I can’t take it. I know, I know, she is just another celebrity who died, but she was so much more for me. She was a bipolar alcoholic whose words spoke to me.

Some people say that alcoholism and bipolar are two different things, but I know there are A LOT of similarities between us. The dependency, the craving, the need, the emotion, the rollercoaster, the unyielding euphoria you THINK you are going to feel. Self-medicating used to be second nature to me, until I realized “what the hell am I doing?” You know my Dad is an alcoholic. He doesn’t consider himself one though. He says “well I am high functioning and I only drink sometimes” But when he drinks, HE DRINKS. Like I am talking a whole case worth. That’s where my binge drinking comes from I think. I may not go weeks at a time without a drink, but when I do drink I go all out.

Where does the bipolar fit in all this? I think when the mood becomes low we crave the “high” that the alcohol brings. I want to be high. I want to fly. I want to feel euphoria, I don’t want to be an alcoholic bipolar mess. This is shit, this feeling. If you could live one day in my shoes you would probably kill yourself. This is not normal. Yeah, sure I can go to the doctor and get meds, but what in the hell is that gonna do? What can medication bring me? It will bring me closer to death. All these medications now come with the disclosure “may cause death or heart attack” What in the hell is the point? If I want to die I will just off myself.

Today is a bad day. If you are struggling, just know that you’re not alone. That’s all I can offer right now.

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