So, this is not going to be a sob story post (sorry!) It’s just that this morning, I got up feeling a bit lost and just lonely. I haven’t felt this way in a while, maybe because I have cut so many people out of my life. I don’t know why I did it actually. I don’t even know why I am here writing. Did you ever just feel like shit for no reason? I ended a conversation early last night with my best friend (aka the love of my life), and I woke up feeling a bit guilty over it. He was trying his best to cheer me up singing “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” which is so corny but so cute at the same time.
Anyway, it was this time last year that I was in the hospital. Spending Christmas in a psych ward is a tragedy and the absolute worst. But yet somehow I feel like I am in a psych ward of my own making this year. I got myself a job, I have my best friend, my wonderful family and everything in the world a person could ask for, (and all the freedom that comes with it), and yet I am feeling lonely. I really hate this bipolar crap. I don’t know which way the pendulum will swing with it. Some would say its a great gift to have such intense emotion because there are many that go through life not feeling anything. What I would give for a good cry right now. Ever felt like crying but had no tears? Ever felt like you’re in a hamster wheel and you’re just going round and round with no hope in sight? That’s how I feel this Christmas.
I spoke to my spiritual friend last night from Australia and he said that Mercury was in retrograde and it could be affecting my moods. I don’t know what it is, but lately I haven’t put too much faith in astrology. Even my horoscope sounds a bit disturbing.
Cancer – June 21st – July 22nd Horoscope:
Your life has taken a new turn over the last few weeks or months. Until now, you have probably driven down the road of life without looking too much in the rearview mirror. Today, you should try and stop for a few hours in a quiet place and get some perspective on the last few months in your life. Is this really the path you want your life to take?
Eerie isn’t it? I wonder about that. Is this the path I want my life to take? I think it is. But as far as relationships go, I don’t really know. No one new or exciting has crossed my path. I have engaged myself in some seedy activity of course that made me feel guilty with God, but this Christmas I thought I would be finding myself closer to Jesus and I’m just not.
There are some people in this life that feel passionate about their faith. Like they can feel God/Jesus speaking through them. I had a similar experience although it wasn’t God. I called him “Northern Wind” As I used to walk through the park during my manic delusions as the wind hit me, I felt as though I could speak to it, like it had a voice or entity. Sometimes, I would sit in the backyard and stare up at the sky for hours and just look at the clouds and feel at peace. There were even times when I spoke to God and I cried while expressing myself to Him. I guess I don’t hold true to one ideology. I have many different faiths and things I believe in. I suppose it’s better to cast a wide net than limit yourself to one belief.
Anyway, this Christmas, I do feel lonely. Even with my family and the countless people who have tried to reach out to me. I just want to be left alone yet I am lonely? Bipolar, you really know how to screw with people.
Till next time, and wherever you are, or who ever you are, if you are lonely this Christmas, I feel your pain.