As I try to make sense of the world, in my bipolar haze, I am noticing a recurring trend. I am withdrawing. With my test of faith landing me a new job, I am questioning the things I have experienced this past year. With Christmas just a couple of days away, and the chats being mostly dead, I feel myself at a crossroads. What happens when you don’t want to connect? Am I too jaded to even care?
My sleep has been awful. I sleep for a couple of hours, then I am up in the middle of the night immensely tired. I wish I could sleep a normal restful eight hours. I guess that just doesn’t happen for bipolar people. I feel like praying tonight. I need some peace of mind. I am kicking myself for not at least TRYING to walk into a church before Christmas, just to see what it was all about. I feel like God has blessed me in many ways by keeping me anti-social and to myself lately and out of the seedy hands of horny online men.
I also haven’t had the need to drink, and that’s a BIG one. I think my co-dependency to alcohol in prior years was my downfall, and it led to a lot of disappointments and let downs. I used to drink on the way home from therapy and hide bottles upon bottles in my room. Even when life was going well, like when I was in school or I had a great job. Alcohol always came sneaking in. The final straw was two weeks ago when I went to get two beers and ended up throwing up. Who needs this shit anyway? I didn’t even get a buzz and that’s money I will never see again which I desperately need.
This will be a solemn Christmas, even though I have a fabulous new job. I have literally $31.00 in the bank to last me till January. I have no idea how I am going to make it to then. 25 of said dollars, will go to a credit card payment (of the many that I have) at the end of the month. That leaves me with $6. Happy fuckin’ Holidays. Ugh. I have never been so desolate. All because the mania last year led to ridiculous spending which landed me in tremendous debt that not even the disability can handle. These past few months have been hard, but hopefully with this new part-time job I can be able to have some relief at least. It would have been nice to be paid before the new year though. Oh well.
Now this sleep. Honestly I don’t know what the hell to do. I was thinking of picking up some more melatonin next month, but that makes me soo darn drowsy, but it just might work in keeping me asleep. But ANOTHER pill to be dependent on? Ugh. I swear you need a med for everything nowadays. How do bipolar people sleep without being a zombie and sleeping 12-14 hours? How do we function? Beats the hell out of me.
So off to the prayers I go, just time for me and God. I haven’t spoken to him in a while. And I have been extra sinful with this new obsession of flashing my tits on cam for random strangers. How can one be Holy and such a sinful slut at the same time? I think I need to make peace with that. I wonder if I can hold off on masturbating till after Christmas? Geez I must really not want to sleep, because honestly this waking up in the middle of the night has been because I was horny and am way too tired to get off. Quite the conundrum. Maybe I will take this opportunity to find Jesus and beg him for some peace of mind. Cause come on, Jesus had needs too, no? (Please don’t strike my blog with lightning for blasphemy).
Until next time, and if I don’t see you guys till after Christmas, may you have a wonderful holiday and blessings to you and your loved ones!