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So where were we? Oh I was going on and on about God and my Faith and falling in love with my best friend. Sweet as pie right? Maybe not. I am back to my old ways, porn and online men. Well not plural “men” just one right now. As I struggle with faith (and apparently money cause bipolar people are so screwed up when it comes to that, like I KNOW I am down to my last $100 for December yet I am craving a Hennessey Colada from Applebee’s), I have come to realize that my mind is a mess when it comes to finding out what I want.

I just want to get drunk and hide. It doesn’t help that Sam Adams made me throw up my dinner last night, so yeah, no more beer either. Don’t you ever feel like you want to drown in a barrel of rum because well you just don’t want to deal with life and the bullshit anymore? I am trying to be a good girl, but my urges are out of control. Talking to Azure made me crave at least two orgasms this afternoon. Does God see that? I mean, let’s be real here, I can go on and on about the implications of masturbation and what it does to Faith, but I won’t bore you with that crap.

I have had thoughts about marrying my best friend in the past couple of days, but as SOON as he went away upstate I went back online and found my good old masturbation buddy Azure. We didn’t have a session, but it’s amazing what happens when sex comes out of the conversation. You realize there is an actual human being at the other end of the conversation! What a novel idea. I think that people who go around trolling for sex on dating websites and just plain old chatrooms (they are not dead by the way) they forget that it’s an ACTUAL human being they are talking to. A human being with their own views, thoughts and feelings.

But back to my thoughts on Lust versus Love. Do we just get married, have kids, and just forget about lust? I mean we never outgrow it. At least men don’t. Cue the 70-year-old grandpa in adult chat looking for a hot young thing to call him “Daddy.” Yuck. That’s the only word for it. Just yuck. I mean my idea of a nice Saturday evening doesn’t involve seeing wrinkly balls on my screen. No, just no. But I digress…

As I spoke to Azure, and began to engage in a nice conversation and I wondered to myself if I am even cut out for monogamy. I know just talking to someone else doesn’t mean cheating, but eventually it will lead to masturbation. Cause let’s be real, when you’re a man that is online talking to a woman I would imagine he is thinking about her orifices at LEAST once. Yeah I am generalizing. I don’t care, cause it’s true. Don’t lie. I have found in my online adventures that some people are just lonely too. As humans we just need to interact, whether it be for sex or not. But when you have an ongoing friendship with someone online, I don’t know what it is, but at some point it leads to mutual masturbation. Is it just me? Am I the freak here? Possibly. But when you date someone, it does lead to sex right? Well I think the same thing applies here. Or I could just be talking out my ass. I understand dating is to find yourself a mate, but in the online world it seems to me that the perfect scenario would to find yourself a good conversationalist, cum once or twice, and then shut off the computer and sleep in your own big bed, (with extra leg room and no snoring partner). Shutting off the computer also means you don’t have to listen to them bitch and moan about crap. Also, all of those annoying habits they have stay on the other side of the screen as well.

I wonder about that. Could I marry my best friend and have an online masturbation/conversation buddy on the side? I wonder. Or maybe I am not cut out for marriage all together. Big questions. But unfortunately, I am not a 20-year-old spring chicken anymore so jumping in and out of multiple beds is not really fun for me at this point. Damn I sound like 60 not 36! I suppose the sky’s the limit still and armed with my faith who knows what is possible? I mean I never thought in the million years I would land a job right? And not only did I nail one, but one totally outside my comfort zone. It should be interesting to say the least. Especially since I haven’t touched QuickBooks in almost five years AND my boss is thinking about buying it so I can help him with it since it was on my resume. Oops! I wonder how I will bullshit my way through that one!

Anyway, I suppose I should get myself a bottle of vodka (with no money) and enjoy some tunes. Here is a little gem I found while scrolling through YouTube. Enjoy and stay warm out there folks!