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faith-love-and-hope

So at 2:30 am it’s one of those sleepless nights again. I haven’t had one of these in a while, but I think I need to get this off my chest. After starting a new job today, I realized a few things. Well first of all I ended up with a whopping headache, taking everything in, and screwing up a few things. But it was my first day and I was trying my best, that’s all you can give right?

I have a new renewed sense of faith after falling in deep despair and hopelessness, believing that God had a hand in landing me this job. It just popped up after a very tearful night of asking forgiveness for my many misgivings and crude online behavior over the past month or so. I had got myself wrapped up in all these sordid affairs, exposing myself very explicitly and sexually. I was exploring, granted, but it was getting way out of control. It even led to me breaking down and googling “Losing Your Faith” because I really felt I had. That’s when I stretched my hand to the heavens and asked for help. Now mind you, I am not religious in any sense, but I do believe there is SOMETHING out there looking out for me. Having brushed death several times in my life, and being in some very dangerous situations, I have learned not to be so stupid and naive to think there isn’t something at work here. So after I bared my soul and had a total breakdown of guilt, this miracle job showed up in my lap, and man did I have to fight for it. It’s totally out of my comfort zone, and its unlike anything I have ever attempted before. And it will even possibly get me a chance to write! It’s like a dream job and it fits right into my disability financial window.

Anyway, during this new found faith and overwhelming feeling of accomplishment, I had some doubt as to my abilities. I think this job is almost too perfect and I feel like i am going to screw it up somehow. That’s where my best friend comes into the picture. He held my hand over the phone and talked me out of all my troubles and worries. That’s when I realized how much I love this man. I always loved him, but wasn’t necessarily in love with him because of my huge sexual appetite that he wasn’t able to fulfill. But you know what, fuck it. I am done with this sin shit. Yeah, sure, I can go online and be a whore for these men. I can go out and get cheap sex to fulfill a need, but what is that in the face of true love? Unmistakably, undeniable, remarkable, and extraordinary true love? I questioned a lot over the past few months after my hospitalization, and I know now that all the searching leads me back to one man. The one who I have loved for the past six years and was right in my face. Last Christmas, when I was stuck in that horrible hospital he came to see me and spend the day with me. I knew I loved him then, I might deny it, I might run from it, but it is always there.

No matter where you go there you are.

I love you bestie, you are the man for me. I declare my love to you in front of God and the Universe. I never knew what it was like to be cared for so much by someone. You have my undeniable love and heart dear friend. You will be my husband someday and  I will die beside you. You will spend my twilight years with me, and we shall journey into the next life together. You have always been my companion and it took all those men to being me back to you.

I love you, forever and always.

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