I spoke to the Believer briefly last night in what felt like forever. He has been gone for a while to pursue his own adventures in his life, some of which I need my own. I cried for my Dead Spirit as I prayed to God to forgive me for all my misgivings. I have felt hollow and just empty these past couple of weeks. Sure I have orgasmed many times, (with the use of porn not so much men), but I have begun fantasizing about taking my adventures offline. I really need to get laid. I think six years is way too long for anyone, and as 2017 approaches it will be even longer.
The question is: how can I live with myself? I posted an ad on Craigslist which I immediately took down because it was so sleazy. It was basically “Hot Chick Craves Cock” which is definitely how I feel. I want to have dirty guilt free sex with someone but I don’t want it at the same time. I used to be a person of deep emotion, of deep spirit, and now all I want is cheap sex? I never thought in a million years I would be here. Damned and horny, guilty and sinful, broken and shattered.
My disability review came in the mail as well. This is the SECOND time they are reviewing me in the same year. WTF? Usually reviews are supposed to happen once every seven years. What the hell do they want from my life???!!! Just leave me the fuck alone. God just everyone leave me alone. I am so done with this life and everything in it. I applied for several jobs today as well, so I think there is some hope to be felt in all this bleakness.
Anyway, last night I cried. Cried for all my exploits and for God to forgive me. I have everything, yet I have nothing. Should I have had a family with kids? I am on the PsychCentral website, (great tool for anyone with bipolar or depression), and they are so many people that are married but feel so depressed and empty. A partner can’t help you when you are lost. Sure it is nice, but when you are riding the “Bipolar Wave” whether its the high or low one, you often forget what a bitch this illness really is. They keep messing with my therapy appointment too, as in changing the times on me. This has been such a screwed up year, and by the end of it I just might slice my wrists and end it all. A bit dramatic, but sometimes I don’t feel like going on. I have lost contact with God, I feel like he doesn’t speak to me anymore. Why would he? All I do is whine about my life when I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and all my necessary bills paid. Why am I so miserable? Why do celebrities take their life when they have everything? Why did Robin Williams die? Why did Heath Ledger die? I don’t have answers to these questions.
“As she wept at the corner of the bar the tears of God shone through her. If only the sins of her past could be eradicated and she could have a career she loved. A purpose for being and an all around hope for the future. As she sips her Honey Jack Daniels she thinks to herself this is the night. This is the night she will end it all. As she gets up and lifts her red dress, her heels click as she leaves the bar, the fresh knife waiting to slit her throat as she makes her way home.”
Oh if only it wasn’t a dream and it could become reality. I have nothing to give this world anymore. No morals, no value, nothing good anymore. My online exploits have come to bore me, people bore me. I no longer want to speak to anyone, nor reach out anymore. I am sinking with no life raft.
God has abandoned with me with my dead heart and broken spirituality.