So I survived another year. Yay! Or not so Yay? I will admit I had thoughts of killing myself this year, but they were not as severe as previous years. This has been an interesting year for me, from my adventures with men sexually online, to bouts of depression, to closing the year off in seclusion. I have taken myself “off the map” as it were in recent months, only because I feel myself drawing away from people and socializing. I am no hermit, mind you, I do have my best friend who I confide in every day, who is the love of my life.
So where does that leave me in 2017? At a crossroads really. I have this new job which will really kick off in the New Year, and my talents will be put to the test. I have my alcoholism to deal with that has been rearing its ugly head at me for weeks now. But when I come to think about it, I have plenty to live for. I feel like the pinnacle of strength, like the Freedom Tower I visited yesterday.
I was out and about in Manhattan yesterday with my little sister, and I can fill up this post with the many, many pictures of New York City we took, but that can easily be googled, so just a few will do. We had an amazing time yesterday, we took a boat ride along the Hudson and East Rivers, took a trip to the 9/11 memorial (Freedom Tower), we got piercings in the Village, we ate dinner in Times Square and ended the night off with visiting this big guy in Rockefeller Center:
It was a great time really, although NYC is VERY crowded especially the day before New Year’s Eve. Hundreds of people jam-packed in the streets can send any person into panic, (especially a claustrophobic one), but I handled it pretty well.
So what now? It’s 4:37pm and I am watching The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. My house is empty and everyone is out having a good time, when I am here alone in my room. But you know, I wanted my life this way. It’s how I made it. You know, many people complain about how unhappy they are and why their life sucks, but YOU can make the change. It’s up to YOU how you want your life to be. I often thought that wallowing in my own self-pity would be comforting, but being proactive and productive is the healthy thing to do. Now, I am not being patronizing to anyone who is truly struggling, because I have been in the grips of depression and I know what the end downward “pole” of bipolar feels like. But what I am saying is, a small thing can do so much for you. A simple shower, a simple candle, a little cleaning up can make a world of difference.
There is no miracle cure. There is no miracle drug. And every time I come through the other end of bipolar hell as I call it, I realize that I survived it and you can too. So this new year my only resolution will be to be a pinnacle of strength, to be more proactive in fighting my demons, to not let the bipolar that I “have” destroy me. Because I am not bipolar, I have bipolar. I will not let this illness define me or conquer me. I will attempt to lose some weight. I will address my alcoholism that I have ignored in the past. I will do things to make myself happy because life waits for no man (or woman). I will be strong and confident and stand tall and proud like her:
“I have no trace of wings in the air, but I am glad I have my flight”
Never forget who you are, and be the best person you can be in 2017.
Much love to you all, and have a wonderful New Year!