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abstain

Just when you thought you could just have a break from the whole “sexual” arena, there is always one person that just drags you back into it. There is this guy, I called him “Curious Guy”, that is just embarking on a new form of sexuality, but with men. Honestly, I am all for it and it enjoyed helping him, but tonight, I couldn’t be bothered. These past few “chat” days have been illicitly sexually charged. I am tired and I have had ENOUGH! I just want to curl up with my Nerflix and start to watch “Stranger Things” (which I heard was really good) and call it a night for a while.

I feel like a heartless bitch, to be honest. The guy needs help with his new sexuality. But how did that become my job? I helped him out the one time, (he experimented by penetrating himself with the hairbrush handle for the first time and came really hard), but must be the one he constantly goes to when he wants to experiment? Where was that written? I gave him Azure’s Skype information and I hope he reaches out to him. I hate to be “passing the buck,” so to speak, but I honestly wasn’t in the mood today to baby some guy sticking something up his ass on cam in front of me for his own pleasure. I mean what the hell? What do I get out of that? I understand I would be helping him out, but I don’t want to help out anyone anymore. I want them all to stay away. Is this bipolar rearing it’s ugly head? I am not too sure.

This is an odd feeling. I don’t want to talk to ANYONE. That is so strange for me. Did “Curious Guy” really turn me off that much? It’s so weird. I think it just may be the amount of overkill I have been facing. I am sure I will venture back into some chat again soon, and this will be just a passing phase, but I hate being begged and pressured so much.

Ir’s a hard transition. When a person is still technically “in the closet” and is desperately needing some answers, it has to be difficult. But it’s not like he wanted to talk about it and have an open discussion. I have three missed Skype calls and several messages saying “Just watch me, I won’t take long” which to me is sounding more and more like bullshit. Maybe he is just faking it, and that would just be totally sad for the legitimate men actually struggling with this. I spoke to “Assistant Dom” the other day, (my short-lived experiment in the mutual dominating of another person online, in which we both got sexual gratification degrading a guy), and he said something about it doesn’t sound legit. Is it my spidey sense telling me something? He could be 100% sincere, but either way he just wants to use me to be there while he experiments with this new facet of his, which is still USING me.  I don’t get off  on being used when I am trying to legitimately help someone.

Que sera sera I guess. I didn’t mean for this to be a rant post. I do hope he finds his answers though. Hopefully Azure can help him. I think at this point he needs a man’s guidance, because he some of his questions he was asking me tonight only a MAN could really answer. And part of it was disgusting. I am all for being open, but discussing how you want to try eating your own cum is not something I want to discuss when I am thinking about dinner. Food for thought? Hehe, I had to go there right?  Well, basically my ick factor shot up by a factor of 10 when he mentioned it. The whole thing made me feel gross and I have no idea why. I enjoy men that love to explore both sides of sexuality, Azure is the perfect example of that. But is it because Azure also focuses on me the reason why I feel so turned off by “Curious Guy?” I have had gay friends before, but never have they asked me to engage in acts with them, or ask me questions that make me feel uncomfortable.

Can someone say CONFUSION any louder?

I don’t know, all I know is I am turned off completely, and I think tonight is the night of no “online reindeer games” and just a night of “Stranger Things” on Netflix. What do you think? I deserve a break right? My little bean sure does! Haha.

Till next time.

Stay tuned.

 

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