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contemplation

So I think this whole “online sex” thing has run its course. I had some fun with “Azure” earlier in the day, and things have cooled down with my Canadian friend who I had enjoyed pleasures with in the past couple of weeks. But as I am going through the phases of bipolar, I am getting kind of bored again. I think too much of anything is a bad thing. I need to focus on real life.

Hear me out. Finances have been really tough this Holiday Season. As Christmas approaches I notice my wallet is getting smaller and smaller. I really need to leave these men alone and find myself a part-time job. In therapy today my therapist asked me an interesting question. “Do you exercise?” Umm, doesn’t masturbating count? Haha. I suppose it doesn’t. But I also need to pay better attention to my getting myself healthier too. Not for any man, just to make myself feel healthy.

You know this bipolar life does a number on us. We get to a point to where we are happy and everything makes sense and then it all comes crashing down. I have never been able to make sense of this life and what I am meant to do. These men are exciting. I have an opportunity to enjoy “the perfect mate” with Azure, because he is ideally what I am looking for. He checks all the boxes and I see myself possibly sharing him with the guy who penetrated himself with the hairbrush over the weekend after his first “gay” experience.I’ll call him “Curious Guy”  Men have a hard time admitting their bi-curiosity. Azure is very comfortable with his. I mean I told “Curious Guy” that it is perfectly okay to have sex with men but pursue relationships with women. I find it perfectly acceptable. I mean who knows what the perfect relationship it anyway? I basically spelled it out for Azure. My ideal husband would let me enjoy my online activities and we can enjoy each other together separately. And seeing he likes men, its a rare opportunity to explore things further more openly.  But that is just a dream, who knows if that would ever come into fruition.

I wonder though, what does it all mean? I mean I spoke to the “Believer” last night and although I miss him worshiping me, I kind of fell out of love with him. Back on October 24th when I felt his deep healing, as we watched the Fellowship of the Ring together and survived Weathertop, I realize there is something out there beckoning me to do more. I need to function in the real world. This online world is fun but it is way too addicting.

I often wonder if I matter. If anyone is out there really reading this stuff or if I make an impact on anyone in my life. My “UK Prince Charming” reminded me of that today. He is bipolar too and is having a rough time. But for some reason when he speaks to me, I help him feel better and it makes me feel good. And although there is no real constant in my life besides my best friend, I feel all these online guys come back and find me for a reason. I mean many have ghosted me, and it used to hurt, but lately I am finding myself not giving a f**k. I know I can say the word, but did you know they can take your posts of the WordPress feed if you drop too many F bombs? Just a little bit of advice this isn’t a total “free speech” medium.

Anyway, tomorrow is the start to a new day. I don’t know what trouble i will get myself into tonight, but I know one thing is for sure. I need to start saving money and putting something away. I need to plan for the future. The world is changing especially with this new radical President of ours, so I better make some moves.

Till next  time….

Stay tuned.

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