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This past week was such a rush I couldn’t figure out between heads or tails. But being in the online world has taught me that things are never certain. I suppose it is like that in the regular dating world as well. I am often at odds as how I would like my life to be. As I sit here sipping my coffee at 5pm, I am thinking this is NOT how I want my life to be.I enjoy the online world, but I would like to make a difference in the real world.

Throughout my exploits, (and there have been many, as I got my first cam show of a guy masturbating with a brush handle inserting it into himself, quite interesting), I have noticed that they are turning into these bizarre moments of ecstasy and lunacy. I wore myself out yesterday that’s for sure, and as I embark in the next chapter of my bipolar life, I am left wondering, “what does it all mean?” Maybe it means nothing, who knows? I’d like to think it means something though. I’d like to think that these men in my life that pass through have a message they are bringing to me. “Can you test your limits and be with a married man in an adulterous online affair? Can you fulfill his fantasies as a nasty whore? Can you be just a booty call to him?” All questions that I have been asking myself as of late.

With all that has been going on, mic sex, cam sex, text sex, am I gearing myself up for the real thing? I met a guy once that had unlimited access to a woman, (he lived with his girlfriend), and still got more pleasure with the online sex world. It was so enjoyable for him that while in a sex session with his girlfriend he was thinking of masturbating online. Is that what I would turn into? Will I end up finding the man of my dreams, (in real life), but still crave the attention from my online suitors? It’s quite the conundrum if I say so myself.

Being bipolar has its hits and misses. I have been often riding the “high” as of late, but it came crashing down today. Not so much in a depressed form, but more like “wtf was going on last week?” kind of light bulb moment. I wish I didn’t have the pills, just to see how far I could push myself. I used to have such drive. The “top of the world” feeling got me amazing jobs and helped propel my weight loss. Now here I am drugged, fat and lost. This blessing of being “normal” is turning out to be a curse.

What does a manic, messed up bipolar person do when the dust settles? I suppose just drink my coffee and hope that the next high awaits me around the corner.

That’s all for now i suppose….

Stay tuned.