So the ghosts of old chat past surfaced today as the one obsession I had for a while, Guitarman, made his reappearance. Odd, how different of a place I was back then. We spoke for a short while, caught up, apparently he moved himself out into the desert of Arizona, a place where I often dreamed of ending up myself. I could just picture him, living out of a RV just sitting with his guitar in the warm breeze, damn that man was entrancing. But I digress….
I don’t speak of hope often, because I don’t hold any for myself. The bipolar shit has been getting on my nerves lately when it comes to sleep, and trying to keep up with these Australian men and their schedules has been daunting, and quite exhausting. I missed my chat date with the Southerner, but I suppose I’ll get through the weekend and catch up with him. He was upset with me, but nice enough not to hold a grudge, so that is hopeful. The Virginian, who I haven’t spoke of for years, finally cut ties with me as he has entered a new relationship and wants to focus on that. Funny, he was the one who reconnected with me after months saying how he would be alone forever. Things do change fast these days.
I often wonder as I write these words, how things can turn out so different than you would expect. I have a friend who met a guy on Reddit, who me and the Virginian said would never last, and here they are as happy as ever (but with problems of course) about to make it to their two year anniversary (I think). My friend hasn’t spoken to me in a long time. She hasn’t called me back in months, and its not like her, so I guess it seems like another bridge has been burned without me realizing it. Interesting though, that when she needs something, I am the first one she calls. She better not call me anymore, I got news for her. I am tired of reaching out to people that just don’t get back to you, no matter how hard you try to keep a friendship going. Such is life I suppose. Sigh.
But as we draw closer to Election Day, I can’t help but have a heavy heart. The government didn’t give me my Cost of Living increase this year, and that has hurt especially when they take so much out for insurance and it does absolutely nothing to help me. I am tired. Tired of running around like a mouse in a cage.
Sometimes, (jumping back to this again), it seems like relationships, (of any kind), seem to slip from me. They slip because well, I distance myself too much, or they decide they are done with me and the “ghosting” occurs. I have people who pop up in my life when its convenient. I don’t know, I am starting to get tired of that. I am just all around tired. Tired of pushing to make things work, tired of being something I am not, tired of pretending the bipolar doesn’t affect me when it looms over like a dark cloud influencing everything I do.
I wish it would make sense. I wish I understood what “The Plan” was. I wish I even had a plan. Tomorrow is an open house, and it will soon be sold because I live in an awesome house. I am preparing to go to a much smaller one, where the neighbors will be in my face, and I no longer have the privacy of watching the rainfall from my backyard on my manic nights. I am so broke, and I haven’t applied for any jobs since the “let down” interview. I kinda lost steam there.
I feel at my end. Both ends of the candle are lit, and it won’t be long before I burn out.
Many other people have bigger problems I guess. I should just quit whining and just get my butt in gear. I have no kids, no responsibilities. Just bad habits and a bipolar mind. I shut out a lot of people, I suppose. So I guess my worst enemy and the biggest “ghoster” of all is me.
Damn I feel like poop. (And not that smiley faced emoji poop either).