I can’t tell you enough how hard this is. I can’t seem to get this right. No matter what I do, how I try and arrange it, however I try and tweak it, its more than impossible. I am going up a hill and there are huge weights carrying me down. Even as I write this I am so drowsy. I don’t know how I am going to do it. I don’t know how I am going to hold down a job. I can’t even fix the most simplest thing. I have myself locked in a ridiculous pattern. Up all night till 6am then sleep till 3-5pm feeling refreshed. I mean what the hell is that? It’s not conducive to anything productive whatsoever, and between the hours of 2am and 4am I am bored out of my mind.
I can’t go on this way. This is way too much. I hate being bipolar. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate all of this so much. I hate being emotional. I hate that I destroy relationships. I have reconciled with the “Believer” but he is a whole world away. I stepped back from the “Adulterer” and the Southerner well, I am going to try my best to explain to him why I am a world class screw up. Things are so way out of control I can’t stop it. Almost like I am a bullet that has been shot out of a gun and I am about to land in someone’s chest. The Southerner wrote to me that I hurt him. I hurt many others too, without even realizing it. I can’t do this anymore.
I am hurting everyone and everything and most of all I am hurting myself. I have decided to just give in and let the cards fall where they will. I can’t fight this anymore. So here is my letter to God today,
Stop this madness please. Help me gain strength. Grant me the power to understand my illness better, and the knowledge to know how to stop hurting myself. I am at a loss. Please, please help me Dear Lord. I am failing, miserably.
In the middle of writing that prayer, I called my therapist’s office, to try and see if I there was the slim possibility that I could get an appointment. And as I wrote that prayer, God must have been listening, because even though my therapist is usually booked to the max because he is so good, I was able to get an appointment an hour from now.
Just when you think God isn’t listening, He is. Bipolar Life. What a shit life it is. But there is always hope. Never forget that. There is always hope.
To be continued…..