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thinking

So where are we? Ahhh, well communications with “The Believer” went quiet since I have tried to keep my sleep schedule somewhat normal. Being from New York, and trying to keep up with Australian time can be hard! So that kinda went out the window. Being bipolar and having to deal with sleep is so difficult it’s not even funny. You just lay in bed and scream at yourself to fall asleep. It’s so useless sometimes. Sigh.

Anyway, I got myself a person to help me get a regulated schedule. Before the “Believer” there was the “Adulterer” Another Aussie I hadn’t mentioned only because it wasn’t worth mentioning. He loves words. Some people are just turned on by it. I know I am one too. He has me on a strict regimen of being awake between the hours of 7am and 10am.(His 10pm – 1am). And even though it means I am engaging myself in an online affair, it’s keeping me sane and regulated. It’s a sin, it feels wrong, but I am at my end here. I want some type of structure and want my life to be worthwhile. I don’t know what any of it means at this point.

I had my first interview in a long time today. I bombed. I have too many restrictions. There is just so much money I can make being on disability, and trying to get a job as well as trying to explain why you can’t work more hours when they ask you to, is well… difficult. I am in a certain bracket where I have all this experience so trying to get a job beneath my skills the question that keeps coming up is “WHY????”  I just don’t know. The lady who interviewed me was nice, not much older than me, and politely told me in an email “We are going in a different direction” Cool. I mean during the interview she said 20-25 hours and mornings and I just couldn’t do that. I would definitely go over my restrictions with that, and mornings are well hard. So I knew it was doomed to fail. Also I had lie upon lie compounded to try and avoid the “bipolar” question, like what is the reason you need restrictions? Because I am in school and I want to take full advantage of financial aid. Good lie right?

But I digress. Another disappointment. On the upside, my spirituality is in tact. I do feel closer to God these past few weeks. Even with the “Believer” not around. Not sure if I should contact the Southerner. He is probably too busy hating me anyway, he never responded to any of my whiny Skype messages. God I am pathetic. I just wish I could just get this shit together. My Dad screamed at me last night as if I was a 5 year old. That shook me to my core. I won’t go into details because the reason is so dumb, but yeah, I realized I was 36 years old, living with my parents. No job, no career, no boyfriend, no nothing. Has it really come to this? As the year closes I will be inching towards 37. I don’t want to be here. This doesn’t feel right.

And the sleep ugh. I went and got a drink this afternoon after the rejection email from the failed interview and had a little too much. Alcohol just makes me sleepy as it were. So I came home, (and you guessed it), slept like a baby for a few hours. This daytime sleeping has got to stop. WHY THE HELL CAN’T I SLEEP AT NIGHT!!!!???? God, its so frustrating.

So a little bit of sin with the Adulterer every morning, and a little bit of disappointment with a failed interview.

Welcome to my bipolar life. Ugh, what a crock.

Stay tuned.

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