So this spiritual trip I have been going on has been pretty deep, and I just need to mellow out. So, here on a cold Wednesday evening in New York, I am hanging out with with some Sam Adams Ocktoberfest and positivity on my mind. Things have spiraled out of control. I am too young for this shit! (Unlike the Danny Glover iconic statement “I am too old for this shit!”).
I think the past recent months I have gone through a lot. I have done a lot of soul searching and whatever, opened my heart a great deal but just did not have enough fun! This bipolar mess is a tricky one. We live life to the full extremes. It seems as if I have taken my life out of context and gotten way too serious with everything. I was reading some of a fellow blogger’s posts tonight, and it dawned on me that I have nothing to really worry about. I was never married, I don’t have any children and have basically ZERO responsibility. I don’t even have a job to worry about, (yet).
I have dug down deep within myself. Bipolar is hard, I mean looking out on the outside to within and reading some of my past posts, I sound like a total drama queen. It’s really not THAT bad. It really isn’t. Being bipolar sometimes, during some of these intense mood shifts, the world can feel like it is literally crashing down on you or you feel like you can turn around and conquer it. Such deep emotion is what attracted the Believer. I will admit, I am playing back some of our deep conversations in my head, and its me basically going on and on about some of the stuff I have been through. Yeah, don’t get me wrong, I had a hard life. I have had emotional scars that will last a lifetime. But who hasn’t? That’s a part of living, that’s a part of life. God made it so we have free will right? So why suffer in it? Why not enjoy the beauty in the world, instead of being miserable? Are we all, on some level, some sort of emotional masochist? I wonder about this often, more so these days.
As i sit here with my wonderful beer and analyze this, I am coming closer to the conclusion that this is just a trial. That life is flirty, fun and carefree. I need to really stop taking myself so seriously in the relationships that I have with people. Especially men. It is not that heaven will come crashing down if this guy is not the one for me, just that he is meant to be with someone else, or maybe it will be right in a different time and place. Or maybe I am meant to enjoy passing flings and one time conversations, and just take it for what it is.
So say a silent prayer with me as I conclude this. It is not all fairytales and rainbows, but its not all fire and brimstone either. Finding that happy medium, in love and laughter, is all what this life is. To find the joy rather than wallow in the sadness. I don’t deny I am an emotional person that lives in extremes, but sometimes a flower is just a flower. It withers and then is reborn into a new season. So smiles and laughs tonight, as I embark on another adventure. Hopefully I have some good conversations tonight with random strangers that cross my path and when the Believer comes online later, we will have a night to remember.