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stabbed-heart-2

Loyalty. It is what we all want. It’s what happens when we want someone we like to stay true to us. However, there is the loyalty of those that like emotional pain. Loyalty to those who will cheat on us and use us. I wholeheartedly jumped into this with the “Believer.” I decided to open up my heart and share with him on a very deep level and even on a sexual and romantic level because that’s just how things transpired. Then the bomb dropped.

The Southerner was loyal. He wanted to be with me and be true to me. This is his ultimate revenge. This is Karma showing me that I am a whore and I have exactly what’s coming to me. I sexually cheated on the Southerner engaging in online sex acts and searching for other men in the late stages of our relationship. I even told him about it. How cocky am I huh? He accepted it. Amazing guy. One for the record books. And as I find myself drawing closer to the Believer, I realize I no longer want to engage in sex acts with other men because he keeps me stimulated. With the Believer it’s on a very deep level, where its more than some “sexual chat.” Its more like emotions and tears actually flow. How the hell is that possible? Beats me. But I find myself being loyal to him even though he didn’t ask for it and no relationship was established. So I asked him tonight “Will you be loyal to me to?” His response, “If a woman chooses to go deep with me as you have, I might be inclined to go down that path with her.” Translation: “I am a cybermanwhore that likes to get in women’s minds and use them for my pleasure.” Okay, I am being dramatic because it does take two people to engage in acts, whether its sexual, emotional, or deeply romantic.

The point is that proves it. Karma. I am paying for what I did to the Southerner. And man, is it funny.  I know I should be hurt, but  I am not, in true emotional masochism form. This is the type of man I chase after. The ones who will cheat on me and hurt me. It’s the truth of the nature of my animal. Is it bipolar? Do we get the rush of being harmed deeply by another person emotionally? It’s as if I take that knife and drag it across my skin and feel the instant pleasure of a cut. (I am not a cutter by the way but this analogy fits perfectly). I love the beautiful pain. It is exquisite. Will I continue to talk to the Believer? Absolutely. Will I engage in more sex acts with him? Most likely too. Will I stop looking for other men online. Yes sir ee.

I have come to the point in my mind where I have my plan set. The plans for my future so it really doesn’t matter what the Believer does to be honest. Sure it would have been nice if he were loyal to me, but that is dangerous too. Then it becomes too much like a commitment and then I am expected to change my future plans, which I was struggling with in regards to the Southerner. Things were not set in stone with him, but there was a possibility that my life plan would somehow be changing.

So there you have it. It came full circle. What I needed was a spiritual leader anyway, not an online sex buddy or even a romantic parter. That was the whole point. Yeah, I know I am making excuses for him. But hey, that’s what us masochists do. We love this heartache and pain. But in some weird way, its ironic because I was angry at first, but the pain went away. I realized the reality of the situation. He is a world away in Australia. How would THAT have worked out? I like the romance of it all, the sharing and the stimulation. But is there a future there? Probably not. And that’s just the way I like it. This is safe to me. I went extremely deep with him and I will be forever grateful for the tears and the spiritual meaning of it all.

Men. Online sex. Wonders never cease. I don’t even roleplay anymore because I find it boring. I find porn boring. I find the whole thing boring. Why don’t I just go out there and meet someone in person you ask? Hmm. Well how do you think a bipolar emotional masochist would do out there? I think it would be a douchebag parade of my vagina. So no, let’s scratch that.

The next step: find myself a job. I desperately need one, then all this craziness can end. I can put some routine to an empty schedule, find some meaning, structure and purpose to my life and get my butt offline. In this day an age the internet can become an addiction. I don’t drink anymore, but I sure as hell spend a lot of time in front of the computer. I won’t blame bipolar for my emotional masochism though. I have done that way too often. This is me. The person I am. Raw. Naked. Real.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? But I know this, Southerner won out. He has the ultimate last laugh. I left him, and my pride won’t let me crawl back. I can’t go backwards. Forward I go into the abyss. This is a shitstorm, and I am flying in the wind.

Stay tuned.

 

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