I walked through Middle Earth today. Today, as you know, is October 24th when Frodo finds himself in Rivendell after being healed by Elrond. I have walked through fire. And much like the little Hobbits of the Shire, at my 4’11 stature, I have a mighty heart. I have walked away from some, shunned others, but nothing comes more true than the act of healing.
I have learned that people come into your life for a reason. “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” Great Gandalf and your wise words. I have not dived deep into Tolkien since my awakening more than I have now. I realize that with a Godless heart I had entered many things in my life, and regretted the outcome. I have chased after broken dreams and fruitless ventures,.why? Because I fear a cage. “What do you fear my Lady,” Aragorn asks. “A cage,” responds the mighty Eowyn. “To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire”. That was my biggest fear. Going in chatrooms, running around seeking relationships, having empty broken promises, ghosters, and the worst of all finally meeting someone who would be there for me and me running away and cowering because I couldn’t handle it.
I am a coward. A fraud. A fake. And with my humble heart I ask God to forgive me. I never understood what it was like to bare my entire being to someone. Yes, I did give myself completely to the Southerner and we shared deep intimate moments filled with tears. But is it possible to go even deeper? To share even more private and deeper fears? Yes it is possible, and when you completely are naked in front of someone emotionally it is like a bullet to the chest. Have you ever told someone EVERYTHING? I mean EVERYTHING? Even the smallest most horrible feat you have ever faced? Your deepest darkest demons? Yes we can talk about sexual stuff, primal stuff, hidden desires, blah blah blah. But what about what YOU personally hate about yourself. YOUR fear? It’s as if you took the biggest most ugliest wart and shined a mirror on it for someone you loved to look at. No makeup. No glamour. Utter and total rawness.
Out of the shadow and darkness comes healing. I am blessed. I have done the ultimate test of faith. I was never a true believer. I mean I remember talking to God and having him answer my prayer for a path, but this? This was not something I expected. Here I am, weary body, weary mind. So much worry and headache on my shoulders to find a job soon. Moving day upon me. Utterly in pain at how I am wearing down my body and my mind.
Is this bipolar coming back? Last October I was two months away from being in the hospital. I felt the mania coming on. Is it coming on again? This lack of sleep will be the end of me I know it. It will all come crashing down with me in the hospital again, sick from mania and high blood pressure that I feel pulsating in my veins. I am destroying myself because I am seeking the ultimate truth. This spiritual journey I am on is what monks do. Just prayers, no food, no rest. I feel so much relief that when I finally put my head down to sleep it is a calm restful one, not a broken disturbed one.
Sleep now dear soul.
You have healed today.
Please forgive me for all my shortcomings. I am but a lowly human.
I wish I could make sense of this and what is happening.
But in all this chaos, there is peace. Peace now finally.