Well, things have taken an unexpected turn. I had to take a break from the Southerner because I really wasn’t getting anything out of that relationship. I wasn’t sure what really went wrong. I think it got to the point to where he was working, I was sleeping too much and it just got HARD. I mean when we spent time together there was literally nothing to say. It felt empty, cold. I mean he had been used to that because of his experience with online relationships, but with me I need to be in constant motion and stimulation, and I just wasn’t getting that.
To be honest, I think it had a lot to do with my Faith. I realized that I was missing the piece that used to connect me with God. I often spoke about this missing “piece” because I felt it was directly related to the Bipolar meds numbing me out. But the missing piece was my connection with spirit and talking with the one “above.” Truth in fact, I did meet someone else. He is the “Believer” as I will name him because he is very much in touch with his connection with God.
This quest that I am on, is not to be in a relationship. This I have concluded. I had a plan in mind. First, I was going to move into my sister’s house with my parents till my father passed away. Second, I was going to move out with my mother so my sister can get married and start a family of her own in the house my father built for her. Third, I would live with my mother till she passed away (I have no intention of putting her in a home) and then when she passed I would live out my days with my platonic best friend, who has been my friend for many years and whom I love dearly. That’s the plan. And I am sticking to it.
I think, for the most part, I was running around trying to find a missing person in my life, which I know now exists in a friend. All I needed was a spiritual adviser, which the Believer is to me. It’s difficult with the time zones and everything, where he is in Australia 15 hours ahead of me, so I am having difficulty keeping up while trying to find a part-time job. I have some serious doubts about that too, because the phone interview I had last Tuesday was very much a bust. I am going to have to tell my future employer that I am bipolar because the question keeps coming up as to why I have so many skills and want such a low paying position. The reason is I can’t handle the stress of a full-time job and I want to keep my disability, which means I can only make a certain amount per month. Sucks to be me.
Anyway, this thing with faith. I had many doubts on my new Australian friend, and I still do. But all of that melted away on the spiritual journey he has helped bring me on. I have never felt closer to God, and the tears that I had came pouring out, as my quest to find the Almighty finally reached its pinnacle. Not many people want to talk about God and faith. I am no Christian, and I haven’t read the Bible. I come from a Muslim background and my sister went to Catholic School. In this mixed up world, I couldn’t be more mixed up when it comes to belief. But I believe I have met my twin flame. In a holy sense.
Twin flame being the following:
You feel a strange, inexplicable sense of “recognition” when you meet the person. This might manifest itself as déjà vu, or an unshakable feeling that you’ve known this person before, or are somehow “meant to be together.” You have a feeling that they are going to play a very important role in your own development, without knowing when, why or how. You’ve established an immediate, intense connection with them that is invigorating and shocking at the same time. You feel as though you’ve finally found a “home” or safe place with the other person. You feel a sense of expansion with them, as though you are larger than your limited identity. When together you are both bonded but free, attached but unattached, (which I needed because I was feeling suffocated with the Southerner). You are finely tuned to their energy, and they are finely tuned to yours. You’re both therefore highly empathic with each other. You feel as though you have been waiting for this person your entire life. You both connect deeply and mirror each other’s values and aspirations for life beyond surface similarities. (The Southerner has very strong political views that are in direct opposition of my own and I feel having a similar view on world issues and politics are essential to a healthy relationship). You are taught important life lessons such as forgiveness, gratitude, empathy and open-mindedness by them and with them. Your connection is multi-faceted. In other words, your twin flame is likely your best friend, lover, teacher, nurturer and muse all at once. Together, you both feel driven towards a higher purpose, whether spiritually, socially or ecologically.
One of you is more soulfully mature than the other, and often serves as the teacher, counselor or confidant within the relationship. This last point is very important because the Believer is much older than I am, and I think I needed that. I had never dated a younger man before and even though he was very sweet and loving, he lacked the experience spiritually that I needed in order for me to grow.
So faith brought me here. Faith and the recognition that I found my “twin flame” Now people reading this, whoever is out there, and would say that I am jumping from man to man, relationship to relationship. However this isn’t a relationship. I realized that I don’t need a relationship to be complete. I feel as if I needed a confidant, a leader, I needed someone to carry me not for me to carry them. I left a pretty lame message for the Southerner on Skype that I feel guilty about, but I need time to think, time to get my head together, time to reflect and understand what I need in life. I need time to figure out if he really is “The One”
I never thought I would be in “this” place. I have always searched for a relationship and to finally know now that what I needed was to find myself and find God again? Nope not in a million years did I think I would be here.
What an interesting journey to say the least.