I wrote a post about Censorship that I trashed. It was petty and nonsensical. I think for the most part, a lot of us are struggling to figure out our paths in life. I often wonder what brought me to this point. All the experiences I have faced and gone through taught me almost nothing about the human condition, all I have been is “hot headed.”
What I mean is, I often leap to fast and too far. I follow the rabbit so far down the hole that I can push people away without even realizing it. I take things out of context and jump to irrational conclusions sometimes. Is it the bipolar in me? Do we tend to do that? Living my life in extremes is something I have done for a long time, and to be settled in a place where things are calm and make sense is something that I am not used to. I want to be calm and understand things but this short temper that I have is really annoying. If I feel I am being treated unfairly or “attacked” (not in the literal sense) I tend to lash out and think in an almost crazy way.
I am a calm person for the most part, but how do you work on curbing a habit you have had since childhood? Impatience is the hardest thing for me. When in the midst of a conflict, I tend to jump and lash out, instead of calmly thinking out responses to the situation. I have decided to take some well needed time for myself. To focus inward. Find my “chi” as it were. I have lost touch with the spiritual, God, my essence of what makes me, me.
Which brings me to the crossroads. This life is bountiful. So many joys and wonders out there for us to love and explore. Where the mind meets the heart is where we all want to be in this life, for its the only one we are given. The little things don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. but the little things do matter in remembering a moment or a lost thought. Sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am. Why my haste destroys so many things I love dear in my life. To those I have hurt, I apologize. I apologize here in my deepest of places where only few see me. I apologize from my heart. I think back at all the men that have shared intimate moments with me that I have lashed out at. One in particular comes to mind. The Viking God. I remember being really drunk on my birthday last year and telling him the most awful things about him and myself. I also remember a nice Arizona man years ago, that I lashed out via email and he never spoke to me again. Even did it to the Southerner today. Notice a pattern here?
I have this temper that the Southerner says his cousin has. She has bipolar too. Are we really that bad? Is our short temper the result of this horrible illness? Are our irrational behaviors with money, sex, relationships, career all laced with destruction and are we all doomed to ultimate failure? That is such a depressing thought to think about. I am at these Crossroads where I am so exhausted. I am so tired of the nonsense and behavior. I dream that I could just wish away my illness. I have an illness. I don’t want to be defined by it though. I don’t want to be the “typical” bipolar woman. You know when people say “oh they are just so damn bipolar!” Yeah, I don’t want to be one of these people. I don’t want to be a statistic.
*Pauses to play my flute* There that’s nice. A soft song to my heart. The Northern Wind came by today with the Autumn air and spoke to me again. Subtle words on the wind that I treasure in my heart. I want to be more than I am Dear Lord. I have searched and searched for the answers that don’t come because I push too hard. Clarity. Serenity. All of which that I seek in my life. Just a few steps back I will take. I need to be whole and find that which completes me. It is not in a man or anyone else, I myself need to be a whole person. I need to not be defined by this illness, I need to own it. I need to find that in me which is so quick to hurt and demolish all I create.
Walk with me now on this journey. It isn’t an easy road. The Bipolar Life.