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questioning

Yeah I said it. I am totally full of crap. For months I have been crying on my blog, crying in chatrooms, dating sites, begging the universe to send me someone worthy, someone who would stay longer than a day, and just be there in my life. This would be the ideal boyfriend, someone who I can count on and who I had an intimate connection with. This bipolar shit is too much. It sucks when you have all these feelings racing through you and you make just BAD decisions. I am talking career, money and of course relationship decisions.

I did it this time. I find myself pulling away from the Southerner who has been nothing but kind to me and loving. I indulge in these sexual encounters online and feel really sexy painting a picture of the “ideal” woman where the Southerner sees the real me. I don’t use fake pictures or falsify who I am, that’s not what I am about. But I do stretch the truth a bit, and most men see the “glamour” me. While some would say this is bordering on Catfishdom I say screw those people because I don’t plan on ever meeting any of these guys, except the Southerner that is.

I couldn’t be any more confused. Something inside of me feels like  I am settling because I don’t think I can do any better, when that is not the case. I have been the fantasy of most men for the past few months. But a fantasy is all it is. Which makes me question myself. Do I even WANT reality? Is this just more fun? Being a fantasy and getting the rush of turning a man on? I admit I have been conceited enough to call myself :”Sexpot Goddess” because shit, who doesn’t want to be that? But its the mania in me that craves the rush, or is it the anonymity of being something more than I am, so appealing?

The bottom line is I have no idea what I want. I thought at 36, I thought I would know. All the missing pieces would come together so easily. People are on Tinder, OkCupid, PlentyOfFish, EHarmony, Christian Mingle, whatever is out there,  trying to make that wonderful connection. What if you just don’t have it in you anymore? What if, after all the disappointments, hurts and anger you are so jaded that when you find it, its NOT what you want?

Poor Southerner. He is so wonderful. He never “ghosts” me. He is my dream man. I get it. Men say that women want to be treated like shit, and I think it is true. If the Southerner was distant and kept me at arm’s length, I would probably be going crazy for him. We actually discussed this. It’s called Emotional Masochism. Almost like we yearn to be pushed away without realizing it. And SO many people do it. Do nice guys finish last? Hell yes they do. I hate to say it, but I am chasing a dream. Chasing something that doesn’t exist. I have been putting through whoever I met over the past few months through hell because I have been so clingy and needy. And the farther they push me away the more I want them. It is sick, and it is absolutely crazy. Mr. M probably saw this too, if he was still following my blog that is. I cried out to the Universe at how bad these men were treating me that when I got what I prayed for, I am questioning it, and ultimately throwing it away with both hands. He is a good man. I am sure he will make some wonderful woman very happy. I don’t know why I am throwing away happiness. Most women would kill for it. I know. I was one.

So let’s see how bad I can screw this up.

Cheers from your friendly neighborhood emotional masochist.

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