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fog-lifting

He said “I don’t want you to be dependent on me” Heh. Famous last words. I have noticed that since  I have embarked in this new chapter in my life I have discovered many unlocked mysteries to my self-discovery and my new path. “Ghosters” we named them. Those that come and go in your life and make a lasting impression with each person they touch.

Since meeting the Southerner and embarking on a real caring relationship I feel myself taking a step back and looking at the whole picture. I told this man I still involve myself with online “activities” and that my sexual carnal desires are mixed in with some sort of emotional masochism. I seem to lust and need men that treat me like utter shit. The “emotionally unavailable” man is the cream of the crop to me and I realize this is the case for most women. Men always use the cop out line that “women like to be used and be treated bad” and “nice guys finish last” but do we really like it? I don’t know if you’ve been following my blog over the past year but these men that I found myself “falling” for left me in a place of complete self desolation. I was broken, and I liked nothing about it. But yet I kept going back for more, like some sort of horrible addiction.

What have I learned? That I am the one scared of the “real” thing. I find myself spending time away from the Southerner, and sometimes drawing away from him and I explained to him why. It’s not that he did anything wrong, its that I have never had someone so attentive before and it’s all “new ground” for me.

Things are finally falling into place. With the exit of the Guitarman, Mr. M, and of course the Astronomer all in the course of two months, this rollercoaster ride has finally went through it’s last loop. My online persona is still very sexy, inviting, and outgoing but something has changed. When I chat there is no longer a need for a lasting connection. I still get that “rush” of meeting someone new, exchanging a few sentences then we go our separate ways maybe to never see each other again. Which brings me to the first line of this post. I met someone a month ago that just “pops up” when he pops up. The passers by. These type of men are the ones that used to cause me the most grief because everything was on their terms. I would stare and stare at my phone hoping for a inkling of a thought from them. But they are what they are. They come and go. And you know what? I am okay with that. I won’t always be at the computer or at my phone anymore. I will choose of whether or not I would respond because I have my feet firmly planted in a solid relationship for once in my life.

I mean you might me ask why do I even need them? Well because I like men. I love men as a matter of fact. I love the attention they give me, I love being social, and I love being their fantasy. I like making them cum, I like that they beg for more. I love that rush. Who says I can’t have my cake and eat it too? I am finally in a place in my life where I can have it all, and I am sucking it all up. All its costing me is doing something which people don’t do, and that’s be honest. The Southerner knows all parts of me, the sexpot, the flirt, the shy girl, the bipolar mess, the vixen, the loving caring woman, and the person that’s just me. I have finally come to a place in my life where all the pieces fall into place. With me finding a new job that will be the last piece, then I will have routine and stability in my life and will be able to finally put something away.

The future never looked so bright. I have fallen in despair so much, I have felt such pain. I once said I wanted no part of love, but it was all I really needed to make me feel complete. You should never have to rely on someone to give you love to make you feel complete, but man it sure helps. Isn’t that what we are all doing? Tindering, OkCupiding, Plenty Of Fishin’? Aren’t we looking for that missing piece of the puzzle, someone to call our own? Well to be honest, its out there, sometimes in the most highly unlikely of places. I am not going to go into a gushfest about my relationship because that’s in bad taste. But I will say that all hope isn’t lost, even in the darkest places of the internet. Because, even when things pass in the night, one will stick around and stay for the long haul.

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