Often we wonder, what does it all mean? People come and go in your life, like a constant revolving door. Has this ever been the case for you? Do people just drop in and out constantly? This has been the case for me for as long as I can remember. Maybe because I live in a bipolar world where things can go at lightening speed and its why I feel this way.
It is getting colder in New York. It doesn’t feel like Fall at all, it seems that we may have skipped it, which makes me sad because I do love Fall. Lovely Autumn air brushing your skin, not this frigid wind that’s out there.
Anyway, I contacted the Southerner, just to tell him I thought of him. He was a stable, wholesome thing in my life. But I won’t face him or go crawling back, I can’t go backwards. I need something to change in my life desperately, and I don’t think any man can give it to me. I spoke to God again last night. We haven’t spoken in some time.
I am at my end. The “Believer” skipped out on me because I lit a fire under his ass for being a cyber manwhore. He has been avoiding me, which is the way these things usually go for me. I spoke with several friends over the past few days, and all of them said the same thing to me: I need to find the answers within myself. I had some amazing experiences with the Believer. He made me feel closer to God, and when I spoke to God this time around, I actually heard his words call out to me. I realized that I need to be more diligent in finding a job because I desperately need structure in my life.
This constant up and down, man to man way of life I have been living needs to stop. I need to pull the brakes, and look within myself. The Literary still tries to contact me. He uses fake usernames and aliases to try and lure me in conversation, and I can’t help but wonder why is he so desperate to speak to me? I am nothing special am I? It is an ego boost to know someone is that obsessed with me, but at the same time I think to myself how unbelievably sad that is.
So in speaking with God last night, I said out the names of the men that I came across and said a prayer for each and every one of them. But the power, the true power lies within me. My sexual presence and need is undeniable, and can become quite addictive to most men, which is probably what is driving the Literary’s obsession. But to me, I haven’t actively sought after a partner and have been just sticking to porn. Can one be Holy and look at porn? Haha, that’s the question of the century I think. But I won’t deny my carnal instincts because I have become closer with the Lord. I think that’s where many people think it’s wrong. They think it’s a “sin.” It’s not a sin to feel desire and sexual feelings. The true test is where you have faith and belief in yourself, then all the other “sins” you may feel is dirty will melt away.
Listen, I am not religious in any way, but I do have a strong faith in God and in myself. And the Power of having so much faith in yourself can get you very far. I will enjoy the company of men, and talk to them, but I think there needs to be some distance now. The real focus should be the job hunt, so the next chapter of my life can begin. I have love for all the men that have crossed my path, but now I need to give some of that love and faith to myself. I think its time.