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So, this blog has been depressing and somewhat manic lately. That’s this frickin’ illness. But the past week has been very interesting. I haven’t had so many orgasms and felt sexier. Is all what I needed was an attentive man? Why do I even need a man? I know people run around trying to find their “better half” and it seems like a joke. I have to say I am falling in love and it’s an interesting feeling. It’s not like it usually is, where I am completely obsessed and the bipolar takes over and does horrible damage.

I feel sexy, wanted, needed. Sometimes I still go looking for male stimulation elsewhere, often times just to spice things up. But as the days are progressing, and I find myself in a new relationship and that feeling of desperation has left me. I feel that “relief” almost like the girls in “Waiting to Exhale” felt. I can’t describe the feeling, but it is very different than what I am used to. Having someone always there to hear me out, is not afraid, and most of all won’t disappear.

That’s the problem I have been having. That goddamn ghosting and disappearing. Nothing pisses me off more. I wish there were more than “little boys” out there and more real men that can stand up, show affection and aren’t afraid of emotion. I more than understand the need to be alone, because there are times I need time to myself. You know just to unwind, find my center, understand what is going on in my crazy head, but when men disappear its just frickin’ mean. Do people understand what you do to a person when you just leave them hanging? Just waiting by the phone for what seems like days? Well I no longer have that problem.

As autumn is here, the weather is gorgeous and its a fabulous 65 degrees today on a wonderful Sunday afternoon, I can safely say that I am truly content. I have a man in my life that wants me, needs me, and isn’t afraid to be there for me. After all this time I have finally met a real man, and its been a long time coming. So I guess what I feel is that there is hope alive. When things seem at their absolute worst, when you’re at the end of your rope and you think there is absolutely NO ONE out there for you, soon you will see that there are more pleasant things are on the horizon.

I haven’t actually had an actual “online relationship” I mean I have had men that I have talked to, fell for, had feelings for and what not. But to have a guy call me his girlfriend? That has probably happened three times in my whole life (this is including real life situations too). So what does it mean to be in an online relationship? Well its challenging for sure. And of course there is the fear that when you meet in person it won’t be the same. But if you throw all those fears away and just enjoy the moments spent with another person, it can be a wonderful experience. Also, I have gone past the “catfish” phase where we have actually sat and had deep conversations on cam. It’s amazing, but people out there still try and catfish as I found out being on some of the chat sites. Don’t people know that most people figured out how to google image search? Man, I am so sorry for the gullible daters out there, or even people who still end up on the show “Catfish”

So cheers to the future. I can finally say that this rollercoaster is taking a break. I am taking care of myself. FINALLY getting sleep. I realize now that my lack of sleep was due to lack of orgasms and worry on my brain. Worrying and staying up by the phone. I can breathe now and now I can explore more options like finding a really good job that I enjoy, shedding a few pounds and just an all around positive outlook on my life. This person has been such a positive influence and at the absolute worst if it does crash and burn, I will have another best friend and soulmate like I already have in my life. Things are never set in stone but I think I finally think I am getting what I deserve, and after months of misery and emptiness, it’s being happy. Thanks to Mr. M I found my confidence and now with the Southerner I have found true love. Its been a long time coming. Even when you’re at your end, life shows you why its worth living and what its like to be a human and that’s enjoying real feelings and emotion. No more walking around like a robot, closed off and empty. Even though I haven’t completely connected with God again, I think He guided me in the right direction this time like he has always done. The fact is that if I didn’t feel all that hurt and pain and ride the “bipolar wave” I wouldn’t have come to this place of contentment.

So if you’re struggling, and you think its just not worth it, just keep your eyes and options open. Try not to close the book completely. Stay active on the sites, just don’t obsess over it. Just kinda leave it hanging there. Go about your life, and enjoy the things you love, and when you least expect it he/she just might show up.

Stay tuned…..