So I did it. I shut everyone out, as I went through my hell. Now its the rebirth. The truth is I am exhausted of being disappointed. I have been through so many ups and downs and I will admit bipolar doesn’t help. I have been scattered, misplaced, lost and stomped on without then even realizing it. To be abandoned is the ultimate pain, and people don’t really understand what that’s like. But I will not dwell in despair. There is light on the other side….
I started reaching out again, slowly but surely. I have a void in my heart that only I can fill. The fact is I need to stop looking outside myself to fill this void. What is with this addiction with connection? My spirit is broken. Beaten down and struggling to keep that light alive inside of me. But that light is flickering today. Fall is upon us here in the Northeast, and the cool crisp air of September is finally here. I am deeply grateful for it. The cool breeze against my skin during the long soul searching walks I have been going on. It may not mean much, but the trees used to speak to me, on a spiritual level. I haven’t heard them in such a long time, but their graceful beauty still sways welcoming me into their den as I walk past them. Nature is such a beautiful thing that we often take for granted. But I digress…
Where am I right now? At a crossroads. I haven’t understood what it was like to be truly broken, because it wasn’t heartbreak that I felt. It was the screaming loudness of silence I felt. As the minutes, hours, days passed, each felt longer and more painful. To be left alone to deal with your own vices is sometimes a very difficult thing. But so many out there are struggling. Struggling to find themselves, struggling to find their way in the world, struggling to find that ear to cry to. But we are not alone. Our inside soul is our friend, even when no one else is.
My thoughts have gotten me to this point where I won’t break down and die inside again, as much as I want to. Life is about picking yourself back up and moving on. We HAVE to keep going. We must. To dwell in what could have been, to dwell in what we have lost, is the ultimate way to get stuck in a cycle of misery and pain. This is why you get out in the world and FIND a reason for living and for getting out of the bed every day. I have not known true destitution in my privileged life, I have always been saved somehow. My life is a flower that is budding at my young age of 36. I need to stop letting people take my inner power from me, making feel less than the wonderful intelligent woman I am. I am strong, and as the bipolar cycles, I will learn to control the moods and challenges that I will be facing. It’s difficult. But its an imbalance that so many live with, and God help the ones who aren’t treated. I will fight this fight. I will not let it conquer me.
I will not die out in the shadows. This is not my last post.